Capricorn, Shake Thyself From the Dust and Arise!

(Yearly playlist sample, Birthday Wishlist, and the unquiet mind of a cracked writer on the eve of her birthday)

On This night waaaay too many years ago, there was a struggle happening…a fight, you could say. And it was a fight that my mother and I were both involved in and the fascinating thing was that we were on the same side of the fight! She was no doubt a scared 21-year-old trying to deliver a chubby almost 10-pound baby….her first child- without the help of any pain medicines and with a doctor that refused to perform a cesarean. As usual, I was biding my time, no doubt sleeping, curled in a breach position, in a warm safe place- refusing to make my entrance into the world until I was absoluitely ready. You could say this was the beginning of my infamous lateness in life. My mother has told me many times that she was in hell with me for 21 hours of labor. That’s nothing compared to the hell I created once I got here-questioning every single fucking thing. Asking her for answers about God that no one could possibly answer which enraged her so much, she would make me standoutside the house because she was afraid that God would strike the house, due to my blasphemy…telling her at 5 that I was either going to marry Spock, or my sickly-seeming cousin who was just a few days younger than me or better yet-the blue-eyed Jesus that plastered every wall of every relative. Had I been able to speak as quickly as I would have liked, I would have warned my mother that I was going to be a handful and a half for her… I should have at least probably been delivered with a note asking her ‘Are you ready for the storm?’

Over my childhood, I decided to become a scientist, a basketball player for the Harlem Globetrotters, a cosmetologist, a Janis-type blues singer and eventually a writer, a voodoo dabller, a Chaos Magician, Baphomet fan-girl and even proclaimed myself the reincarnation of Jesus’s Magdalene when I began sharing my naughty jesus poetry publically. I spent my last teenage years living on the street, feeling knots in my stomach for every nice car with a rich asshole in it that stopped to let out a young hustler boy they had just sodomized to the point of tears…I wanted more than anything to collect every single kid that had no family as well as what I had promised my grandma years before-every lonely old person and stray animal and give them all a happy, loving place to live and feel safe forever. Instead, as a teen, I read On the Road and No One Here Gets Out Alive-a guidebook for every magical thing and person worth learning about in life. I spent endless nights listening to The End and Stairway to Heaven, as if both could tell me what I should do with my life. I became or perhaps realized that I was a writer, with my worn notebooks in a store bag sitting by the river until dusk- when the hefty river-rats that terrified me- would come and sit by me in the reflection on the city lights bouncing off the river and into my eyes. I loved people, or tried to in my own feral child way, at least and I fought for my existence…then I became a mother, which saved me and despite never planning to be a mom and the terrible things people around me would do-like leave adoption numbers in phone books open for me to see, I gave birth and kept my beloved Nile and that’s why I am still here to tell you all of my tales. Instead of being all of those things I thought I might do in my childhood, I became a writer, a mother, a lover and of course the fucking kind of fighter that gets back up after every single swing I have the misfortune of catching. The fact that I have been fighting every day or almost every day of my life to quiet and console my bipolar brain makes me think that out of the two of us, my mother and me- and the great fight we were having on this night so long ago, I was fighting just a little harder than she was…as a matter of fact, soon after birth, I turned over on my own as if to say ‘ok, let’s get to the good stuff, no more lying around for me’.

Out of all of my struggles and battles, I have fought my mind the most-even more than ex-boyfriends, my family, and that former friend named Judas…I have played with magick enough to know what can be done-even when it’s candle magick in the rain… My mind is forever a playroom full of thoughts and ideas that fly through the air at sometimes impossible speeds, but By God I do indeed catch them sometimes and I keep them inside of me until they grow strong enough to stand on their own…and once I birth them, I keep them at close range because I know how cruel the world can be to beautiful, fragile things. This past year was a practice in lengthening the leash i keep them on and letting them dip their feet in the world…sharing the things I create and more and more, I am feeling good enough to let some of them out into the word. For better or for worse, regardless of what the rest of the world thinks of them, they are mine and I treasure them, so they can always live with me even if they are rejected by everyone else.

Last year was a shifting year…and so fucking painful. It begin with knowing that someone I love more than words, was going to go through a divorce at the same age I was a child…this slammed me back into my own childhood for months…I wanted nothing more than to hold on to the little girl that was going through it this time as well as my little girl-self that had gone through it years ago. Luckily, the wonderful little girl going through it now is an amazing human and her parents are doing their very best to co-parent and she is going to be more than fine as a result…but for me, I lingered in the past, like I often do…I even decided at the last minute to lighten my hair back to the color it had been as a child…this took endless money, endless research, and endless damage- so of course also endless treatments too…By the time I reached the color I wanted it to be, the urge had passed and I wanted my raven hair back…which is indeed here again!

Last year also meant time with Nile being here again, though only briefly while waiting for his apartment and though I wanted to believe it would be like a second childhood and he and I would spend hours watching MST3K, it did not happen…he pulled away-perhaps because as an adult, he needed to pull away and stand on his own…it was like the pain I felt when he moved out years ago all over again…I cried, and I ached and the bipolar depression clawed and pulled me off my feet repeatedly through the year, especially since November. I still find it hard to understand why parents are forced to change while their kids are so willingly changing…I wished we could have used the time he was here to hang out more, but it just didn’t happen. That being said, he is coming to see me tomorrow and making me homemade fettuccine alfredo and I treasure every chance I do get to hang out with him, and he is such a great person…I am very proud that I actually created and nourished and grew this person, much like I do my writing and he can stand so firmly on his own now. I hope I can say the same about some of my serious writing projects by the end of 2023.

And then the year had to end with the death of my kid brother…my silly little dumb brother than I never, ever dreamed would leave this place before me. I have cursed everything…I have cried and punched and raged and am certain there was a mistake…FedEx must be in charge of dying and as they often do with everything, they got it wrong and were meant to take me. It’s made worse by the fact that we didn’t get beyond a silly disagreement…if he is anywhere, he should know what’s in my soul now though, so perhaps he knows everything I didn’t say.

And now here we are on the eve of my birthday. Yummy pizza and now it’s either a Kubrick documentary that I love about The Shining movie or the actual Shining movie itself. I kicked my ass into getting my playlist for the year together too. I’ll start with 6 songs from it in this post…Most of my year was about climbing…about getting higher…that’s what I do…I’m a Capricorn…I climb…I stumble, I fall, or even occasionally jump off the edge and then I dust myself off and begin climbing again. So many of the songs that mattered this year were about getting higher…and of course, the crashes and falls. These songs matter to me so much, so even if you hate them, they are part of me.

And I collected all of the things I have wanted throughout the year but was either too poor or too stingy to buy myself into one single Amazon wish list. if you have a look, you will see that most are things that matter to me…like jewelry…or notebooks because I still use notebooks to begin my work these days before transferring my nearly indecipherable handwriting onto my computer…and of course, incense, because I burn incense while I work and write, so these things aren’t just whims…they are part of my life…my creative ritual. And these days everything is a creative ritual to me…its about manifesting and moving…climbing higher.
My WishList

So, there you have it. My first real post for the year and the beginning of the playlist of songs that spoke and speak for me…I’ll add the lyrics when I can’t find a lyric video, since that’s where the importance is in all songs for me…they tell my story….and you can have a look at my list and see what weirdos like me like to surround themselves with…too bad, Amazon doesn’t have a very cool taxidermy section, isn’t it ? 😉

So, this year, do we dare climb higher than ever, Mes Amours? If so, take my hand and I’ll lead the way…but never, ever look behind you or below you, Trust me.

La La Love You,

~Lucia13

2022 Playlist Prt1.

1.) Idles ~ MTT 420 RR

Are you Ready for the Storm?

2.) Nine Inch Nails ~ 10 Miles High

I’m getting closer…

all the time
I tried to get so high
I made it 10 miles high
I’m going to get so high
(My nightmare’s everywhere but inside a living indication of every situation. But it seems I have been neglected, complication hindered my salvation but I try and I try and I try)

I’m going to get so high
You’ll never get inside
I swore I’d never turn into you I’m closer all the time
I made it 10 miles high
Can’t tell my truth from my lies
I swore to god I would never turn into you I’m getting closer…all the time

Tear it all down tear it all down tear it all down tear it all down…

3.) Machine Gun Kelly ~ Papercuts

Bleach my hair, mess it up
Take my life, dress it up…

4.) Regina Spektor ~ Prisoners



In my cell I’m tattooing myself with
Mermaids and swallows and though I do swallow
My mama thinks I’m grown but I’m really just little
And someday I will remember…

5.) Modest Mouse ~ Trailer Trash
For my silly kid brother and the childhood we shared together.

Live in trailers with no class
God damn, I hope I can pass
High school means nothing

Taking heartache with hard work
God damn, I am such a jerk
I can’t do anything

6.) David Bowie ~ I’m Deranged

And the rain sets in
It’s the angel-man
I’m deranged…