‘To Understand My Little Self ‘

The 2 songs in this post count as one of my ’25’. It turns out that I’m going to have to cheat just a little on my 25 list. There are some bands that simply have TOO MANY songs that have defined me in some way. Maybe the 25 list is too short…maybe I should have created a 50 list…Perhaps I could do a song for every day of the year, because its definitely inspired me to write. Anyway,  this is one of those two-fers,  from The Afghan Whigs, an amazing group that I highly recommend. They happen to also be from Cincinnati, (parts of the Debonair video looks like pages from my youth!) If you’re interested in listening to more of this incredible band, you should start with the Gentlemen album, which you can listen to here:Gentlemen-Full Album .

By the way, Gentleman has one of the most painfully honest intros on any album, EVER.

Tell me, is it just me, or does it seem to you that most people would prefer to wear the Victim mask rather than the Villain too? Truth is, from what I’ve learned-we are all both, the Victim and  Villain. It just happens to be harder to expose the villainous side, and because the villain in someone reminds us of our own shortcoming, no one wants to own their Villainous side.

Of course there’s a million different villainous roles and acts, much like the acts and roles of victims, and the sometimes small slightly careless whimsical words and actions of a victim can eventually lead them to becoming a big, bad villain. That’s the strangest part about being a villain- the villain isn’t always aware of their actions and it’s human nature to excuse ourself in anyway possible for the things we do.

Be Sweet: This song is for my villainous acts, when I developed a habit of (usually) unintentionally wearing  the villain mask. I haven’t always been the best at handling feelings,  mine OR other people’s. There were times, (enough of those times to warrant this song as one of my 25), when I was either too casual with my words, or let’s be completely honest, downright selfish, cunning….and manipulative…And NO, this isn’t a ‘woe is me’ post…I’ve accepted the things I have done, and seriously, there isn’t even two hands worth of counting to be done for these kind of villainous actions, but it was still far too many.

‘And this was no place for you and me to walk alone…’

The first time I heard Be Sweet, I remember thinking wow, a guy admitting he has a dick for a brain, that’s… admirable. Soon after, I began to personally identify with those lyrics, and throughout the years from the first time I heard this song in ’93, they’ve been on my villain soundtrack that plays in my head when I’m not being so…great. Especially the line above.

We  all have a dick for a brain, and that brain does indeed sell our ass, until you realize that your brain went too far… but these lyrics aren’t so ‘on the surface‘ anyway. (Read the last verse and you’ll understand.)

If you know me, at least fairly well, then you already know that in ways, I’m completely emotionally stunted…The internal me is still a 5 year-old, (and for very real reasons, but we won’t talk about it right now.) What I’m saying is that I have made mistakes…I mean careless, even cruel mistakes that I shouldn’t have done. Sometimes, when I’ve done or said things that I knew was too much, or simply untrue, I felt sick for it, but inside, the 5-year old was trying really hard to please people…to make people happy, so she told them what she knew they would want to hear. And that 5 year-old also loves to be loved, which can make a mighty powerful case for foolish choices.

I’ve had a lot of time to rethink the past and the things I’ve said and done…and  I was never actually a liar...not by nature, anyway. I’m seriously a horrible liar (I nearly typed ‘I’m HONESTLY a terrible liar’, but that sounds twisted, doesn’t it?) But in some cases, to save feelings, and once or twice to save myself from what I’m sure would have been real physical harm, I have lied…and to be even more honest, lying for a new impossibly expensive coat or a perfect pair of boots, or simply because I had lost myself to another manic episode and had spent all of the rent money, have all called for…stretching the truth, or as someone once called my behavior, ‘Painting a pretty picture’.

Its also been called Fleecing, but I prefer Charm. My mother always said ‘You have to use what you have’, so I did. I used to get by on my charm, because that’s all I felt I had.. Without writing an entire chapter of my biography in this post, I’ll keep the history of my charm brief, but in my defense when you grow up like I did, absolutely aimless, hopeless, and completely lost, you latch on to whatever you can find inside yourself to get to some place else. Perhaps that charm was a part of my personality from my very early childhood, (though it certainly didn’t help me after the age of 4, believe me), but I do remember getting a lot of milkshakes and candy when I was really 2 and 3, so it must have worked on my father pretty well in those brief years.

For me, this song is about the slippery tangles I have made. Its for the times when I knew I should have turned around and left it, but didn’t really know how. Its for the countless times my internal child has made a mess of things, and sometimes people…and the countless ways I’ve asked “Are you still mad at me?” without realizing the extent of pain I might have caused. Mistaking their sadness for anger, testing boundaries and the idea of so-called unconditional love and expecting people to forgive me…That’s the internal child I’m still trying to tame, yet nurture every. single. day.

‘Am I OK? I’m sure I’m Not…’

I’ve come a long way in the past decade or so. I realize that there were times I should have stopped making shadow puppets before they grew into shadow monsters. There’s nothing I can do about the person I was in the past, but I know who I’ve become, so I’m finally making peace with the past.

That being said, there’s some pretty brilliant coats that are still begging to be mine right now, as well as some boots…and a new PC, so ummmm…

 

‘Cause it don’t bleed and it don’t breathe
It’s locked its jaws and now it’s swallowing
It’s in our heart
It’s in our head
It’s in our love
Baby it’s in our bed…’

Debonair: The person I was…and admittedly still am. This song defines countless times in my life when my anger, loneliness, and the feeling of only playing grown-up has driven me into a rotten place…for those soulless times when I felt empty or devastatingly hurt and the victim inside became the vicious villain. I think they’re pretty straightforward lyrics, brilliantly written, (as all Afghan Whigs songs are), so I’ll stop explaining and let you listen for yourself.

I had meant to fill you in on my world for the past month, but this post is long enough, and I feel a bit empty after writing  it…I imagine its a bit like confession without actually asking for forgiveness, (or maybe I am asking for it, and just haven’t realized it yet?) So maybe next time I’ll tell you how Dr. Jolly Fat Man  screwed up and made the past 3 months of my life pretty rough at times. For now, I had to post about these two songs because they’ve been in my head for the past 4 days, begging me to share them with U.

Baby You Be Sweet,                      
~Lucia

My Little Self

 

 

 

 

Be Sweet

Ladies, let me tell you about myself
I got a dick for a brain
And my brain is gonna sell my ass to you
Now I’m OK, but in time I’ll find I’m stuck

‘Cause she wants love, and I still want to fuck
Now that I’m ashamed, it burns
But the weight is off
Now that you’re out of the way

I turn and I can walk
You showed no sympathy, my love
And this was no place for you and me to walk alone
On my grave, am I OK?

I’m sure I’m not
Ladies let me tell you about my love
She kept giving me more
But it wasn’t enough

So understand
Now that I come to you
To understand my little self
To understand my little self

And baby you be sweet
Be sweet, be sweet, be sweet
Baby, you be sweet
Be sweet, be sweet, be sweet
Be sweet, be sweet, be sweet

 

Debonair

Hear me now and don’t forget
I’m not the man my actions would suggest
A little boy, I’m tied to you
I fell apart
That’s what I always do
This ain’t about regret
My conscience can’t be found
This time I won’t repent
Somebody’s going down
Feel it now and don’t resist
This time the anger’s better than the kiss
I must admit when so inclined
I tend to lose it than confront my mind
Cause it don’t bleed and it don’t breathe
It’s locked its jaws and now it’s swallowing
It’s in our heart
It’s in our head
It’s in our love
Baby it’s in our bed
Tonight I go to hell
For what I’ve done to you
This ain’t about regret
It’s when I tell the truth
And once again the monster speaks
Reveals his face and searches for release
A little boy is tied to you
Attracted only ’til it comes unglued
Cause it don’t bleed and it don’t breathe
It’s locked its jaws and now it’s swallowing
It’s in our heart
It’s in our head
It’s in our love
Baby it’s in our bed
Tonight I go to hell
For what I’ve done to you
This ain’t about regret
It’s when I tell the truth
Tonight I go to hell
For what I’ve done to you
This ain’t about regret

 

 

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