Another one of my 25.
Manic, and a little out of control, feeling a bit scared at my own willingness to jump so far, so quickly. Feeling like I’m riding shotgun while a bigger, much cooler ME is taking total control. Its twilight, driving fast with the windows down, hair blowing in my eyes, hiding the tiny tears that keep trying to form, though I don’t know what the tears even mean…. watching the lights of the city beginning to sparkle in my side mirror…scared as hell, but so completely alive. Lump in my throat and my entire body tingling with the anticipation of getting something that feels so insanely right. The music pounding in my ears, I could die at this very moment and it would be OK because the music’s going to drown out the sound of my death.
Its that sickeningly sweet drug called something new.…something so fucking new. And its me against the world, because they don’t know, can’t possibly understand what I’m feeling. Over the river, I close my eyes and I am flying, invincible. This moment should last forever. If only I could make this moment last forever, this heady fullness, this newness, massive orgy of butterflies in my belly, my heart pounding out some kind of code I don’t understand…watching people’s mouth move around me, but the music is all I hear and I need it like that…I don’t want to know what they are saying. I’m in my own world full of something so, so big and I need it to last forever. Will someone tell me how to make this moment last forever?
A page from one of my many lives, twisted and tangled into the person I’ve been and continue to be…who I will always be…tiptoeing through uncharted, dark nameless places, daring the big bulls to give chase, certain that I’ll make it safely over the fence no matter how hot their heavy breath feels upon my neck. Me, feeling vulnerable as fuck, but so self-assured. Always so self assured, even when I was surrounded by hungry wolves, I knew I would make it through, come out smiling, with a new, fat bag of gold, certain nothing could ever stop me….And then that bigger, cooler part of me starts saying those words, making those promises of forever though I don’t know where the words are coming from or what they actually mean…my mouth is opening and the words are slipping out, and they scare me, but it feels good, so I let them keep coming. Forever wrestling with the cutting realization that I’m still a fucking half-orphan….that little girl who would never have someone to call father, or maybe even daddy when I need a big, big favor, never feel his arms around me, protecting me from the Gods or the Monsters. So my sardonic smile is what gets me through, (I must have been born with this fucking sardonic smile upon my face!) I close my eyes and rest my head against the car seat, wearing my smile like a jewelled, bulletproof vest. The music is unrelenting and the wind is still making my hair crazy, whipping it across my face and out the window… I swear, this is the most real I have ever felt.
Fuck yeah, give it to me-this is heaven, what I truly want
It’s innocence lost, innocence lost.
La La Love U,