No, I didn’t fade away again-just had a lot to do and….feel.
For me, a lot has happened since the last post, though when I put it into words, it probably wouldn’t seem as extreme as it actually has been for me. But I’ll try anyway…
During my latest down-time, I planned for a birthday, managed and dealt with a huge chunk of debt and then suddenly received news that I knew would one day come, but came unexpectedly, which threw my entire world into some kind of spinning free-fall….Over half of my life, I have primarily focused on being one thing more than anything else…and that duty (Actually its a privilege, not a duty) has been my everyday focus more than anything else. Its dictated, in a sense, every move, every choice I make…even dictating when I sleep-even now, after all of this time. Its been my constant focus, and now things are going to change…and initially, I was devastated.
Despite the fact that I am full to the very top of myself with self-loathing, one of the few things I admire about myself, even proud of, is my resiliency. I can fucking bounce back better than anyone I have ever known, (with the exception of another person or two), I’m pretty good with taking a blow and being knocked to the ground, then climbing back to my feet with a ‘Oh, yeah, well you hit like bitch’ mentality…and that’s what I’ve done this time. I know that the changes that are coming will be a good thing, but its thrown my whole world into some strange, new place and I don’t really even know who I am or who I am becoming now. But I’m not afraid…I was initially, falling to pieces a dozen times each day, crying myself to sleep…. but I’m doing my best to make the sweetest fucking (pink) lemonade from this bag of lemons and things are going to be OK, for everyone involved.
So, there you have it-that’s basically what I’ve been doing…and working, as always, of course. But I think I can slow work down just a bit and focus on myself a little for now, which is why I’m actually typing this…I plan on writing another post after this one to continue my 25 songs project.
What else have I been up to? Seeing my jolly, generous doctor and getting a 50% increase in my happy pills-which have probably saved me in this whole strange earth-shattering change that’s started, as well as a lovely dose of Prednisone to keep MS silenced, which gave me a fantastic 2 week burst of energy and a slight manic mood, (I bought curtains…and stuff!), and I’ve begun changing my hair…I’ve stripped the black and am sloooooowly working my way to a much lighter color. initially, I was going for a very light brown, like the color I had when I was a little girl, but then I said ‘fuck it, let’s go even lighter!’ Maybe this need for change is all down to the other things happening in my life, I’m not sure, though I’ve often changed my hair anyway, so maybe its just my usually chameleon-like self?
Reinventing myself in one way or another has always been my thing…and I’ve gone through some massive extremes in the past-from my Maudlin-Goth-Girl-wearing-heavy-velvet-in-the-summertime to boho-braids-and-brown-lipstick-seemingly-pretentious-spoken- word-spouting-wannabe-poet to my Mary-Magdalene-veil-wearing-worshipping-at-the-feet-of-Christ-statues-in-cemeteries, to the woman who pulled her mother through a divorce, showing up in court to stare down her shithead stepdad, while wearing a new red dress and brand new crazy red hair to match. Someone once referred to me as their favorite chameleon, (which was a mighty sweet compliment), so here we go-into another phase….. another me. As soon as my hair is where I want it, I’ll post a photo… I’m going for a doll-like color, because as you may know, I have quite the thing for dolls, so we’re venturing into Dolly territory.
Annnnd…several days ago (more like a week or so, actually), I received a lovely comment on my last post. For some reason, most readers refuse to leave public comments on my posts-instead they send Twitter messages or emails, so I was delighted to find something other than the usual ‘have a look at my junk‘ comment…This particular comment was from someone that I was honored to know and become good friends with-and someone who happens to be a fabulous writer-with a wonderful knack for imagery. As is often the way, we lost contact with one another 6 or maybe even 7 years ago, so it was a brilliant surprise to hear from them again…and hopefully, they won’t mind if I repost their comment here….Maybe it will inspire YOU to leave a comment from time to time too, right?
“Four days ago, my son and I took a long trip in his car. On his car stereo he was playing Kings of Leon, their “Come Around Sundown” album. He likes Kings of Leon. So does his brother. So do I and my wife and several members of my extended family, and we all know about them because 7 years ago, you mentioned them on this blog. In those days, no one had ever heard of Kings of Leon.
Hello Luci. It’s been a long time. I used to follow this blog back in 2008 until my life got really serious. Sounds like your life has gotten pretty serious, too. Sucks sometimes, doesn’t it?
Anyway, I am glad to see you are still blogging. Most people would have given up years ago, but I doubt that I have to tell your readers that when you want to do something, you just plain fuckin do it. It’s admirable and at times, maybe even reckless, but no risk, no reward. Few can appreciate the value of that simple statement.
By the way, chicken farms have a smell that crawls into your olfactories and rubs them raw with sandpaper before it shoves the stench into your brain. I’ve been to too many of them.
So tonight as I was cooking supper I was listening to Kings of Leon, and I remembered you.
Thank you for the music.”
This comment meant so much to me, not only because hearing that this person is OK was great, but also because they know me well enough to say ‘but I doubt that I have to tell your readers that when you want to do something, you just plain fuckin do it.‘ That’s pretty spot on, I would say, right?
And it also meant so much to me, because music is my universe…Lyrics are for the most part, more important than other art to me, so often telling our stories for us, reminding us that despite how crazy or fucked up things may become, we’re not the only people dealing with it all. So when I can introduce someone to music, that’s one of my favorite pleasures. There was another friend that I used to swap music with in nearly every email (Hi J.) Though we had different tastes, we would share music, which sometimes turned us onto something we would probably never discovered without sharing it with each other. Most of the things I’ve received from people has been music, and its always a delight to hear something for the first time, and its definitely my favorite gift to give people.
Now I’m off to work on my next post. Hang in there with me-because the ride I’m on is totally new for me, but I’m OK…I just really need the comfort of my blog… and my tribe that have somehow, in one way or another, stuck it out with me, even if you just sometimes stop by and say hello every 6 years or so. It means more to me than U could possibly know.
In honor of the wonderful comment, I’m sharing my favorite KOL song…It isn’t one of my 25 songs, (but then again, my 25 songs have nothing to do with favorites), and this is actually one of my favorite songs, so here you go.
Love & Hugs, Galore!