Its Spring now. My favorite time of the year for so many reasons… and I’ve survived another Winter.
I have a lot to say and a lot to do. I feel like I’ve been asleep for 16 months or so…and waking up has been so slow-going. I’m now on a course of medicine that seems to have stabilized things, though not without side effects, but I’ll save that for another post…
Since finally coming out of such a disastrous period, I’ve been thinking a lot about my life…my life so far, I mean. Over the past year or so, I stopped everything, including blogging, of course, and I also stopped speaking to my friends. I let friendships fade that I never meant to…I simply stopped being able to say anything to anyone…If you’re reading this, please forgive me…I wasn’t fit to be your friend for a long time, and I’m sorry…I’m sorry that I stopped replying to messages, emails and even letters. I was a complete mess. I’m not such a mess any more, and I’ve finally realized that if I want to remain less of a mess than I have been, I need to stay on my medication. I no longer feel ashamed of Bipolar.
And guess what-I have the first two chapters of my ‘Burn’ story finished, (actual solid chapters!), and I have a short list of official titles, and I have even grown closer to a particular character that I originally despised. I understand her now…But that’s for another post too.
A few months ago, I began compiling a list of songs, songs that define my life. Music has always been my saviour, (and often my voice), so for the next 25 posts, I’m sharing My Life in 25 Songs. Compiling the list has actually been great therapy, so I definitely recommend that you try it too. There’s no order of importance to these songs, each are equally as important- full of lyrics that tell pieces of my story. The medicine I’m taking seems to have made me less inhibited, so I’m not nearly as afraid of feeling like a fool or looking like a complete idiot…and no longer embarrassed to post really terrible photos from my past, (as you will notice in the metal-girl photo below). Because I realize that even the most ridiculous photos are a part of who I’ve been and who I still am.
Besides, this is MY fucking blog…one of the few places I can completely be myself.
In some of the 25 posts, I may add some photos and I’ll try to explain the song’s importance. I’ll also do my best to either find lyric videos or post the lyrics to each of the songs to help it make more sense to you.
I’m not even sure if anyone even cares about these 25 songs, but I’m doing it anyway.
Song #1 – Scar Tissue
There really isn’t a single line of this song that doesn’t speak for me.
With the birds I’ll share this lonely view:
The first time I actually listened to this song’s lyrics, I was indeed sharing a lonely view with birds.
I had just lost all financial stability, along with the person that I had considered my best friend for over two decades and I was completely blind-sided by what my life was quickly becoming. I was in some sort of shock…I spent my days sitting at my computer, staring out of the windows of my living-room at the woods…panicking, but also numb…and free-falling. I remember feeling like I was helplessly falling. I noticed the colorful birds in the trees and remembered that there was birdseed in the garage, (a lot of birdseed) that I had purchased in the months before everything fell apart. So I began leaving trails of birdseed on the balcony outside of the windows in hopes that the birds would come closer and the view wouldn’t seem so lonely anymore. It didn’t take long for the birds to discover the food, but soon, more and more birds began to come until I was feeding them several times each day. Watching the full, green trees stirring in the breeze and the bright red, blue and yellow birds on my balcony became my comfort zone. That is, until the birds began warring with one another for the food and suddenly, there were dozens and dozens of birds attacking one another, screeching violently, regardless of how often I tried breaking up their battles, (not to mention the mess they were leaving on the balcony was pretty gross), so I began tossing the food onto the grass instead…But this view, and the crazy ‘angry’ birds kept me hanging on to some kind of sanity for 2 years, and its a view I still often miss.
Young Kentucky girl in a push-up bra:
Yes, I was indeed a young Kentucky girl in a push-up bra… with a syrupy, scarlet drawl. And yes, sadly, I used to go out dressed this way. Let’s just call it the naiveté of youth, OK?
And I’ll make it to the moon if I have to crawl:
Right now I’m crawling, but I’ll make it to the moon eventually.