This post was written 5 days ago, and unfortunately work, ever-strange sleeping patterns and a pretty nasty ongoing headache prevented me from actually posting-until now.
Nearly 4 in the morning, and the arctic howl hasn’t stopped all night. Occasionally, I take the 5 steps to the window and peek out-just to make sure the world is still there…Its been so quiet tonight, its easy to fool myself into thinking that maybe everything has slipped away while I wasn’t paying attention…But its all still out there…frozen…and the tiny golden flecks of snow keep drifting about in the air- seemingly lost beneath the street lights. It’s impossibly cold, I say…but then again, I have a habit of exaggerating…both good and bad things, and even things that are neither good nor bad, I always have. I’m dressed warm…as warm as I like to dress…because I dislike layers. I’m wearing black comfy yoga pants (though i can’t remember the last time I actually ‘did’ yoga) and an enormous red flannel shirt over my ‘Smile, Satan loves you’ t-shirt. And red fluffy socks that are really warm, but nearly make me fall every time I step into the kitchen or bathrooms. I’ve had this headache almost continuously for the past 2 weeks…I just said to D ‘Its hard to fit in alcohol-time with the steady stream of painkillers these days’, and no the alcohol isn’t causing the headache, so don’t bother being a smart-ass…its merely light refreshments, seriously…green apple Smirnoff…but I have been eyeing the unopened strawberry vodka and the nearly full bottle of terrible, nail polish remover-like rum almost every time I walk past them on the shelf…but, I’m saving them for my birthday…not that I will be drinking much of either of them, because my tolerance for alcohol is that of an tiny ant or maybe more like a ladybug, actually. I went alcohol shopping with my mother on New Year’s day. I told her now that I had successfully raised my Magnum Opus into adulthood, I was seriously considering taking up drinking …and as a matter of fact, my resolution (one of them) was to be a total lush…she laughed at that idea…what else could she do? I’m a joker, especially in any uncomfortable situation-like an extended family scenario…its what we do…because we can’t very well have serious, meaningful talks can we? Someone would either cry, throw a punch or walk out of the room-I would probably be first in line to do all 3 of those things…so we keep it safe and light. Its best that way, I think. Christmas Eve was spent with the extended family…as well a few hours of Christmas day. I could have been anywhere: a bus terminal, on a plane…Egypt(?)…anywhere surrounded by strangers…that’s how I felt. I kept glancing around and thinking ‘you fucking people haven’t a clue about who I am, or what’s going on in my head right now.’ I suppose they could have been thinking the same thing…I don’t know…actually, I’m pretty sure they weren’t thinking that at all…a lot of people seem capable of living in the moment. Perhaps they were all sitting around me-living in the moment, while I, on the other hand, was feeling uncomfortable in my silky ‘Chinese blouse‘ that kept puckering at the button because my ta-tas are too big for it…still, I really love the blouse, so I wore it anyway, big boobs be damned! This is a photo of me wearing it last year during an all night black Friday shopping spree…Not my spree, I merely went along for the ride…and because I needed some groceries…remember? I have to seize any opportunity I’m given, being stuck in the dead center of fuckingnowhere without any transportation whatsoever. By the time this photo was taken, I was exhausted-sleep deprived, and walking in stocking feet throughout malls and parking lots in the early morning freezing cold-totally beyond caring. I liked this particular mask thingy I have on-so much in fact, I bought two of them for N and D…neither of them wanted or kept them...’fuck you both’ I remember saying…jokingly, of course…its supposed to be the effing thought that counts right? Except it wasn’t in this situation…still, I liked them and would totally wear one on a night like this, if I needed to go out…if I had somewhere to go.
This is the 6th rough draft as far as blog posts go in the last 10 days…each draft covering a variety of things…last night’s included a swift tongue lashing toward some of you-for seemingly ditching me when I was at my worst…I’ve been told this feeling of being ditched is down to my father issues, (he ditched me when i was small), so forgive me if I’m completely incorrect in thinking that’s what some of you actually did during my woe-as-me dirge-song-blogging days over the past several months. In a sec, I’ll paste an excerpt of that post from last night (which will be called ‘Please Stop loving me…I am none of these things’), a line taken from one of my favorite Cure songs entitled ‘End’. The title will make more sense when you read the entire post, which I may finish, tweak and then post soon…writing more, and that includes blogging, is one of my REAL resolutions…so fingers crossed I stick with it-especially after realizing, (though I had actually written it a kazillion times over the past several years), that when I write and remain somewhat social, I’m a much happier person…its when i pull away and crawl into my metaphorical cave (thanks D for offering metaphorical when I couldn’t find it myself!) that shit gets too real (a really stupid phrase we often use when amusing ourselves and making a joke at whatever heap of insanity has wiggled its way into our lives). Ah, digression…where was I? Yes, staying social and writing my metaphorical balls off helps keep me healthy and I need to be healthy…and I miss you when I disappear…seriously, even if I did scold you for abandoning me when I could have really used a friend, or two. Let’s get it out-of-the-way, so you can tell me how wrong I am and how it’s just down to me being ultra sensitive and paranoid, thanks to my tramp daddy being a fucking globetrotting tomcat (RIP Mr James Aubrey, I love you, fucker):
The last time I posted here, I was in a pretty bad place…and it always seems that when I’m in a really bad place, not only am I unreachable to myself, but that’s also when the crowd seems to dissipate and suddenly the music, the dirty jokes, photos,stories and general weird randomness stop coming…maybe you feel awkward and don’t think its any longer appropriate to send the things that usually make me smile, even occasionally laugh, (but always amuse nonetheless). Maybe some of you choose to step back and observe in horror-in case this. may. be. IT…the bad turn that finally breaks the levee…I liken it to having some kind of fit in our virtual town square, and rather than stepping forward to help me to my feet, the majority of you cover your eyes-peeking through your fingers, of course…observing me like a car crash, or a burning building-watching to see who comes out and just how worse for wear the survivor (if there is one this time) is going to look…perhaps this isn’t the case at all, but it sure as Hell feels like it at times…but of course there are exceptions to that theory…M being one of the few that didn’t seem to blink at my maudlin posts, as if he knew damned well I would eventually find my way back to my feet, straighten my virtual skirt and with a toss of my crazy hair and a little more eyeliner, be as good as new. That’s the thing with friends, (real friends) I’ve come to realize: I think they need to challenge one another, to lend a helping hand, but also expect more from you than you may realize you’re capable of offering or being. Regardless, real friends say something when they see U going through a rough patch, and not just play spectator.
Go ahead, let me have it because you think I was including you in that group of spectators…or totally ignore what I’ve just written…its OK, regardless…seriously…because even in the middle of this frozen Hell, I’m doing better…and I have a birthday right around the corner (the 15th!!!). My main personal goal is to finally get my Christmas/Birthday gift-a new Google Nexus:32 GB, front and rear cameras AND a microphone…basically my own portable everything!
I have so much more to say…to write, but I just saw the word count and it seems that I have probably said enough for now. Its Saturday morning, and I think I may actually enjoy my headache-free morning by reading over some of the post drafts I’ve written since the beginning of the year, and actually doing emails too (gasp!)
And I think this is where I’m supposed to say Happy New Year & all that jazz, but if you know me well, you know that I don’t always say that kind of thing…and you’ve learned to read between the lines…or collect the thoughts I don’t usually share with you…or something like that…anyway, oncoming need to excessively ramble some more, so I’m doing U a favor & shutting up now.
La La Love U,