When I Died


Where do I begin? Perhaps the turning point was the day I dreamed of my own death. In my dream, I followed family members around as they made burial arrangements, having shouting tantrums about how unfair it was that I had died before I had accomplished all that I needed to accomplish, and all the while, the people continued making my arrangements-even allowing me to try out different coffins, despite my very loud protests about my fear of being buried…they heard me, but paid very little attention to anything I said, and by the end of the dream I had begun to decay (!) and everyone seemed fed up with my hanging around, and then I woke in a terrible sweat, feeling sure that the dream had been an ominous warning, though several friends later told me that the dream and the death could have actually been a good omen, signifying the end of something, perhaps some deadweight that I had been dragging around with me…Its no secret that I carry loads and loads of deadweight…countless memories & experiences, along with a few handfuls of regret…so much fucking deadweight, that I would eagerly toss into some abyss of forgetfulness…if only I could…if I knew how, but regardless of others’ interpretations, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the dream had been a serious warning…and soon after, my world crashed to a halt and once again,everything in my world stopped.

I’ve mentioned it here before, and if you’re someone that I talk to on a personal level, then you probably know how I feel about the lack of control.That’s not to say that I’m a control freak…OK, not completely, but as far as my own world, yes…I NEED control, and unless you suffer with something like Bipolar or Multiple Sclerosis, you can’t imagine, nor can I accurately express to you what the lack of control these two devils hold can do to you and your world. Let’s say you’ve experienced  depression…sucks, right? Well, Bipolar isn’t that same kind of blue…you don’t only feel it coming on because you didn’t get a promotion, or your car died…its something completely different…and as much as I’ve become certain that I could at least predict when it would strike and to be prepared for the heavy dark shadow that moves across my world, I was wrong this time and it came out of nowhere and swallowed me before I had the chance to do anything at all about it. And while this has been happening, I’ve been drifting through my days and nights in disbelief because it always strikes in late February through early April, dammit-but here we are in August and September and its here NOW..gnashing and twisting me into impossible shapes, and there’s nothing I can do about it…much like an amusement park ride that you have second thoughts about once its too late to get off, there’s nothing I can really do but ride this out-which is what I’ve been trying to do…in my own crazy way since it crept into my world last month…Oh sure, the signs were there before it attacked…but they’re always near…watching me from the dark corners, but I’ve always had a very self assured sense that despite how much pressure I put on myself, or how many emotional upsets I have or how thin I sometimes stretch myself in every. fucking. possible. direction., because it wasn’t the dead of winter, it couldn’t touch me…after all, the leaves are still green, the sky is the perfect blinding blue..and the night bugs are still playing their busy songs, but I was wrong. And for the first time that I can remember, The monstrous dark cloud slithered out of his frozen element, braving the summer heat just to shove me down and knock the life out of my world.

Bipolar is bad enough…but pair it with Multiple Sclerosis, and you get an all new cocktail of madness, because not only is the noise in your brain playing on full volume, which triggers OCD patterns and then eventually the old familiar fear of being so hideous that I want to hide under my pillow or mark my face in some painful way to punish myself for being such a monster, but because my MS is directly wired to my state of being, that means that as my brain is turning against me and not allowing me to think straight, my body is in Hell as well-attacking itself, causing unbearable symptoms that have often left me sitting on the bed, too tired to actually be awake, but feeling like I have a blistering sunburn all over my body and making the feeling of anything against my skin impossible to bear, so the sensation of the bed sheet is too painful to handle…and then there’s the twitches and jerking movements that I’m told aren’t as noticeable to others as they are to me and you have a delightful basket-case for sure.

Last month-a few days after the death dream, and after sleeping for an impossibly long time, I staggered out of bed feeling a panic attack begin, pulling my clothes on -which took every bit of energy I had, I made my way into the bright living-room…and all I could say, the only words that would come were I can’t function at all” and as scared and panicked as I was at the time, I don’t think I made sense of it to anyone, because I still don’t understand what was actually happening to me. I remember calling my mother and crying uncontrollably in the midst of this crazy episode, repeating over and over that I couldn’t ‘function’, and though I could tell that she was completely taken aback, because I rarely cry in front of my mother, she did somehow manage to talk me down a little…and then I went back to bed…and I slept… and slept even more…and while I was sleeping, I stopped doing other things…like working, or being online or even reading mail. I stopped trying to talk to anyone, and I avoided going outside…And that’s when I began to drift through my day to day life-feeling hollow, like a shell… but weightless, looking for anything that could make me laugh, because even as far gone as I’ve been this time, I know that laughing keeps me hanging on to some solid part of the ledge, and that’s what my world has been for the past two months…sleeping, existing, drifting, and almost constant MS-related symptoms…not a crippling MS relapse this time, at least not so far, but constant torturous symptoms that make sleep or sitting, or trying to concentrate impossible, but I’m trying really hard to endure, because my only option for an MS relapse is a heavy dose of Corticosteroids, and that would mean being sick or at least very susceptible to every possible sickness all winter… I keep hearing the serious voice that my former neurologist used when warning me about the downside to corticosteroids, so I’m choosing to go through this relapse without the help I usually rely on…and it sucks, really, really sucks, but MS is a drop in the bucket compared to the Bipolar issues that don’t even seem to be budging, though I’ AM here and I’m writing, so perhaps this is the back end of the storm and…Maybe we ARE finding our way out now?

So, there you have it-why I haven’t been around and why-if you’re someone I usually communicate with, I suddenly disappeared. Please know that it was never intentional, and again, if I could relay the fear and the helplessness-not to mention the shame that I still have for feeling so weak- that takes over my world whenever a bipolar episode happens, perhaps you would understand why I tend to run like a wounded animal…and despite how long I’ve been going through this, I still can’t help but blame myself when this happens…I still feel that I should have been able to do something to prevent it from reaching me, so  as I’m being trampled and controlled like a puppet, I’m also full of self-loathing for not being in control…pretty crummy circumstances to say the least.

But enough of my story for now…I need to say Thank You to M for the postcards, letters and the music, and I’m so sorry that I didn’t read them or reply earlier…I’ve read them and am working on a reply now, and to people like B, who was worried enough to inquire about me, I’m really sorry for my sudden and very unexpected disappearance…believe me when I say that it was completely unexpected for me as well.



My favorite song at the moment…You NEED to hear this:

Feral Love
run from the light,
your eyes, black like an animal
deep in the wander,
and care for no one but the offspring of your might
run from the one who comes to find you,
wait for the night that comes to hide
your eyes black like an animal
black like an animal
crossing the water
lead them to die
we press for the water, press for the river, press for the rain
we press for the water, press for the river, press for the pain

losing my mind1235314_416746621762666_1840438624_n


2 Replies to “When I Died”

  1. Martin, Its SO great to hear from you! I have missed you so much!! I’m beginning to feel better, but its such a slooow process. I have a lot of catching up to do with you. I hope we can speak soon. Thank U for your kind words.

  2. I knew something like this was going on with you. I hope you can remember when these spells of suffering set in that there are people out here who care about you. I am overjoyed you are starting to emerge from the darkness. Please don’t punish yourself for the time you had to spend fighting the darkness, brave Lucia.

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