Home Again, Home Again~Jiggity Jig~

When I was a kid, living on a micro-sized farm, I usually had a pet-cats and dogs-those were the choices I had because even as a kid, I was usually too lazy or lost interest too soon to take care of anything else that demanded too much of me & my time. Its not that I didn’t love my pets, but like most things in my life…(most, not ALL, mind you), the new wore off sooner rather than later, and I moved on to something else that could hold my attention for a while-until the next new & improved interest appeared…

We were never allowed to have indoor pets-something I understand now, but as a kid, was pretty irate about most of the time, and living mere feet away from both a twisty back road, (usually littered with beer cans), and even worse- the dreaded railroad tracks, made us painfully aware early in life that our pets would probably not stick around very long…I never once  imagined growing older with any of my pets…they were more visiting pets than lifelong buddies for us…so while we loved our pets, we also knew that every day may be the last day we would see them…Sadly, living with this mindframe somehow managed to spill over into relationships with other humans later in life-even when the dangers of railroad tracks and busy roads were no longer an issue, but before digressing too deep into a Freudian/Jung tug-of-war, let’s get back to the furry 4-legged love affairs-which will lead me to one very simple point in the end, I promise…at least, I think it will.

So the idea of becoming too attached to things wasn’t a possibility, but that didn’t mean that on those mornings or afternoons we woke to find a pet missing, it didn’t hurt…just like any one aches over the loss of something that matters, it hurt…a lot, though we were tough kids that rarely expressed our feeling outwardly. We would sometimes walk the tracks or the road searching for our pets…hoping we wouldn’t find a bloody dog paw or the tip of a dear kitty’s tail, but at the same time-hoping for some kind of closure, since we knew that eventually most of our pets met this demise anyway, so best to get the discovery and pain over with before another week, month or (gasp!),even a year would pass and we would have grown closer to our animals, making the eventual loss much more painful.

Sometimes, we did find traces of our beloved  Snowcat, Butterball, Honeysuckle or Digger, but more often than not, they left without any clue whatsoever…and for a few days or even weeks, we would search, or hope that when we opened the front door they would be huddled on the doorstep, waiting with wagging tails to greet us…sometimes this didn’t happen and with time our wounded little hearts healed…and we began another open-armed search for the next temporary pet….But often this DID happen and they would reappear after their time away…sometimes, looking frail, slightly wounded; maybe their fur would be covered in burrs or roughed up and patches missing, and perhaps even a limp; but sometimes, they appeared looking just as they had the last time we’d seen them, making me wonder where they had been-if perhaps they had a second home with another tangled-haired, scruffy 8-year-old tomboy that loved them as much as I did…But of course, I’d never really know where they had been…and rather than dwelling on the possibilities for too long, I would welcome them back with lots of attention and a bigger serving of food than usual…and I would tell them I missed them…and of course that I loved them. Though I knew, because it was always being played over and over in my head, that they may not be here longer than another day or week because the wild, or perhaps their other home with the other scruffy kid may beckon them away from me, I was content to have their company for the here and now. I often wish I could still find the comfort in the here and now, rather than always looking ahead to what I assume will always be the inevitable…it would definitely help me sleep better, but that’s not anything I want to discuss right now, so forget you just read that.

Instead, here’s the deal:

I’ve been away.

Away?

Yes, away...and while I haven’t returned in a worse for wear condition, no obvious limp, no burrs in my fur, (though my hair IS a bit longer and as wild as always), and I’ve come to realize  a few things about myself and who  I am and what I want to be-more so in the past half-year than I have in a very long time, and I’ve learned to be more selective with my tears too, which has saved me quite a bit of time and integrity… so I am HERE…and looking back over the past year of blogging, or lack thereof, it sickens me to see how much I’ve slacked…as a matter of fact, slacked is an understatement…I truly abandoned blogging, and in doing so, abandoned those that attempt to understand me, or help me understand myself, and those who find comfort in knowing that they may not be as fucked up or at least not alone in the fuckedupness as they thought they were, and for that I’m sorry.

So view today as a new start…a new hello, a new me & a new US, and I’ll do my best not to stray too far  and lose my way home again, even if the other places have lots and lots of goodies to offer…I’ll remember where I really need to be-I promise.

I think for now, we should focus on something light-hearted, but not really as lighthearted as it may seem.. I’m leaving a ‘top 12’ for 2012..the songs that spoke to me and sometimes for me….For that reason, I’ve left you the lyrics so you could understand WHY these songs mean so much…and even after reading them, the reason for why these songs mean so much to me may still not be so apparent…for example ‘Somebody that I used to know’ is not something I’ve felt from my own point of view, but a song that made me regret the trail of messy…somewhat cowardly goodbyes I’ve left in my past…and ‘Melody Dean’? If I told you who this actually reminds me of, you may be  confused, but then again, most of you know that I’m a loathsome narcissist, so perhaps it wouldn’t surprise you at all to learn that I think of the Once Upon a Time me when I hear this song…though it has crossed my mind to send this to a few former friends, just to fill their heads with some false hope, but that wouldn’t be nice at all-would it? (Shame, Shame on me!)..I hope you enjoy these songs and perhaps they will help you understand me a little better.

Until next time, which will NOT be another year…hopefully not even another week,

Love, Love, Love,

Your RockstarSugarGirl,

~13

P.S. Incidentally, I am looking for a pet…nothing that can leave fur everywhere(my own hair is irritating enough!), and considering my apartment is the size of one my previous bedrooms, I need something that doesn’t require a lot of space…Spring is nearly here-perhaps its tadpole time…or maybe another tiny albino frog? I need something to love, damn it.

Top 12 of 2012:

12)

11)

10)

9)

8)

So be it what it is
Just give it time and try your best to smile
You give her lengths of love
But the party is gone, the party is gone
We fall into a candy wall
Evening slime, what a waste of time
Even though you still get by
Searching for the things that make you come alive

Healing comes down to this
It’s why you’re here
Or, why you walk
We fall into a candy wall
Holding hands
Well, that’s the start
It goes back many years
These gamut boys
A million years
Take me on a ride
I like you well enough to give you lovers’ arc

Her streak survives, in the night
(I hope it comes after all)

7)

6)

Fold your heels and skip the “whys”
Honestly, I can’t take tonight
Here’s living proof from my fingertips
When you melt beside I know you’re it

Everybody wanted calm, everybody wanted scenes
I pray to my sulk
Everybody wanted calm, everybody wanted means
With fists to the ground
Everybody wanted calm, everybody wanted ME,
BUT I’M SAFE WITH MY SULK
Everybody wanted calm, everybody wanted means

Now I fill up without weight of warmth

Moving your hips too literal
Deem him high, he’s bound to fall
Heart and soul like I knew you would
When you say “love” it sounds so good!

Everybody wanted calm, everybody wanted scenes
I pray to my sulk
Everybody wanted calm, everybody wanted means
With fists to the ground
Everybody wanted calm, everybody wanted me
I’m safe with my sulk
Everybody wanted calm, everybody wanted means

Now I fill up without weight of warmth
It’s not too (wrong) to let it low

(ride the radio and dance to fall)

5)
I walk by with smoke in my eyes
Like we don’t know where we’ve been
That’s it boy, just state your case
You’re just as wrong as you were then

Want to move? Throw your hands up
Say “I don’t make no rules,
No one even knows I’m here”
Now it’s all you to man up
You see no way to hang on what you say

We’re the keepers, while we sleep in America
Our house is burning down, our house is burning
We’re the keepers, while we sleep in America
Our house is burning down
Our house is burning down (Down now keepers, down)
Our house is burning down

Ask me why, dream that you buy
But later want is a dangerous thing
Watch out for the snakes ride past
And turns around and it sucks you in

What happens when you get stuck?
Get to the bottom of the illusion that you’re in
From the roof now, it’s your go
No one else without will do you in

And not a thing I’ve done obeys my fear
And not a thing I’ve done obeys
And still I never have to run
We are gone, we are gone
On our hills where we all are done

4)

3)

Don’t be surprised if I’m ripping out my eyes
I’m on fire
I said don’t be surprised I’m ripping out my eyes
I’m on fire

We break
We break too easily
We pull all the breaks
You break too easily

Don’t be seduced until you know the truth
I’m on fire
Don’t be seduced until you know my truth
I’m on fire

We break
We break too easily
We pull all the breaks
You break too easily

I break too easily
I break too easily
I break too easily
I break too easily
I break too easily
We break too easily
We break too easily
You break too easily
We break too easily

We break too easily
You put on the breaks
You break too easily
I put on the breaks
I put on the breaks too easily
I put on the breaks
I put on the breaks too easily

2)

1)

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