“Sometimes the party takes you places that you didn’t really plan on going…”

OK Guys, I officially have NO voice. This is a first…we’re down to a whisper, with an occasional squeaky sound-and I think the sound of my strange whisper/squeak would drive everyone crazy if I attempted to say more than a word or two-because it sounds really terrible to me…what I imagine a horse sounding like if it began speaking to people. But everyone has been really kind to me today, and I’ve had really sweet inquiries, so thank U tons…but I’m not sure that this was the perfect time to figure out what sort of SD memory card I needed for the new digital video camera I slowly….. slllllooooooowwwwwlllly (as in 365 days slowly) earned. I just got it today, and am really happy because its very small & cute and a gorgeous dark red…but I need the card in order to use it, so after trying to sort out what the difference in an MMC and an HC card is, I think we may have ordered the right one-so now I just have to wait for 4 or 5 days until it arrives-and then I can began filming everything and everyone until I drive them crazy and they take my shiny new toy away or hide it from me.

Actually, I was supposed to make a movie yesterday (relax, I’m only the director/camera person and its not that type of movie ya weirdos!), its just a one minute film in regards to my recent chocolate treasure, but Snicker’s must wait until I’m nearly human again…even if the soon to be released peanut butter squares really ARE the best chocolate I’ve had in a while, (IMO, the deliciously perfect offspring of a Reese’s and Snicker’s). Though somehow, in the midst of  30 bags of chocolate, you tend to lose the magic quite quickly and  even begin to sicken a little  at  the sight of the chocolate,  so our friendship/love affair is on the backburner at the moment. (Come to my house and I’ll totally load you up!)

And because yesterday was the worst of my cold, I didn’t do the movie and it probably wasn’t a good day to go out and do  things I needed to do-and in addition to feeling like hell, and nearly tossing my cookies, I accidentally said things I shouldn’t have said, like when I told my friend that her Christmas music, which was drilling a large hole in my skull, really, really sucked and she ought to have been beat up for listening to such crap. I’m not always so honest, but I was miserable-and then I had to shop, which meant braving aisles loaded with senior citizen zombies, and usually I’m cool with them-even helping them out (because I’m seriously an old lady magnet for some crazy reason) but yesterday I just wanted to violently plow through the herd and go home. Eventually, I ended up in the frozen food section, pressed against the cool glass, trying to sleep standing up until my mother was done with her premature Thanksgiving dinner grocery shopping…But before the shopping with the zombies event, I was stuck in a hospital for over an hour…in the waiting room, wondering if any one would have really minded if I had stumbled into the emergency room and asked  if I could have crashed some place…but instead I sit in the corner with my hood on, trying to disappear inside my jacket, (Which is why I really ought to begin a public collection for a Blackberry Torch-so I could keep myself awake at times like this and even share it with U while its happening-seriously considering adding the PayPal button, guys) while a group of rowdy senior citizens yelled at Obama on the television. While it was groovy to see the old darlings so alive and kicking, and expressing the anger they have every single reason to have, it wasn’t so good for my pounding head. [and why in the hell does my face hurt as if I’ve been beat up? I mean like I’ve really had my ass kicked? Not that I’ve ever had my ass kicked…I’ve held my own pretty well through  most fights, I think…I think…unless I’ve had it kicked so bad that I’ve forgotten..no I’m fever talking here…ignore me. I’m a woman, we don’t fight…we just growl, scratch & then kill, right?]

So, rowdy old folks yelling at the …umm, this is where I should skip my opinion of America’s current president and how I totally tried to warn people that the ideal choice was probably not the ideal choice…and no I didn’t vote, because it was a rock and hard place scenario..a sort of choose your least dreaded way to die or something, so I chose neither, but as much as this may surprise you, if I would have voted, I would have probably gone completely out of my comfort zone and had chosen the old  guy instead…something about believing that the experience and hardened heart of a really old asshole might sort some things out finally…but I couldn’t be sure, and am STILL not sure, so PLEASE don’t bother convincing me by expressing all of the ‘good’ that has come about over the past few years-I’ve heard it, and I’m still not impressed-then again, I’m still a die hard Gore person and if I had  a car, I’d probably still have the 2000 Gore sticker on my bumper- as useless as that is…there are some people I like, really like, despite their flaws, and there are some people I really dislike, despite their semi-positive attributes.. so anyway, I chose neither-as far as I’m concerned, I’d rather be somewhere else anyway, but again, my feverish rambling ought to be shushed for now.

So I slept. Are U happy? I slept. After 23 hours, I gave up-mainly because Daniel turned my computer off and rather than fight him about how bed time sucks and sleep is for dead people, I had a sick kid-sized argument about how I wasn’t tired, and that it wasn’t ….totally wasn’t cool to try pressuring me to go to sleep when I obviously wasn’t ready. Then I thought about all the advice people have given me lately about my current state and how this whole manic phase, while making me feel pretty good and at times nearly invincible is not going to save me from the grips of an ugly winter depression, unless I look after myself. So I fucking went to bed. For four hours, then in a semi- sleepwalking stance, I staggered into the living room, turned on my computer and attempted to get work done. It didn’t happen. So I attacked some of the Snicker’s  loot-though as I said, Snicker’s and I really aren’t getting on as well as we did when we first met a few weeks ago. And the chocolate really wasn’t so nice for my sore throat either. So I tried apple juice-which tasted too bitter, and finally had some A&W Root Beer. I really wanted  Seagram’s Ginger Ale, but as always, when you don’t have it, U really want it and vice versa. So after 3 hours of staring at my monitor and not earning more than one dollar, I took more medication and went back to bed.

And then I slept until 1 p.m. or so today, so I DID sleep-now gimme a reward or something-because though my body feels better, my voice is gone and let’s face it-what am I without my ability to make noise of some kind 24/7? I have this overwhelming fear that my voice is gone forever or something…the same sort of irrational MS relapse fear… and while I have a very faint rational voice telling me it’ll be back soon, I’m still freaking out about opening my mouth and not being able to produce more than an occasional squeak. This sucks, it really sucks. Let’s face it, who would  want a Lucia that doesn’t have a voice, (except maybe the people who are stuck with me everyday)? U want to HEAR me talk about absolutely nothing, rather than brave your way through my sentence fragments and abundant pregnant pauses…or at least that’s what you’ve told me…

So I’m going to try to NOT try speaking for the rest of the night…just stay inside myself, quiet…and reflective, which I really don’t want to be right now.

So, there you have it-my last 36 hours. But I have a new video camera that I’ll be able to use as soon as the memory card gets here and I was able to help Nile pre-order the Call of Duty Black Ops game that he’s really, really wanted, so despite the fact that I have no voice, life is OK at this very moment, because nothing is better than making your child happy-which I suspect I’ll still be trying to do when he’s 50…Here’s some of what I’ve been listening to today-Both are in my top 20 all-time songs for their lyrical content, as always.

Now accepting all get better vibes,

~13

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