Playing Doctor…Badly.

I don’t sit well in the doctor’s chair…I do much better on the couch (But U already knew this, didn’t U?) However, my sister’s suffering through another heartbreak, and I’ve been called upon for a long distant shoulder and some  sisterly advice…However, I don’t think I’m the right sort of person to give advice about matters of the heart & all that jazz…(but U probably already knew this too, didn’t U?) Growing up, both she and I were programmed from birth to find a husband…or two, or three or however many it took until we got it right…We  were never encouraged to be ‘happy women’, we were simply told to find a good husband, as if the happily ever after part depended on this simple little task.

I of course, didn’t fall for it-as a matter of fact, I think its safe to say that I did the complete opposite-the atrocious idea of white weddings still makes me feel slightly ill and I avoid weddings as much as I avoid funerals. But my sister did fall for the plan, and since her first tiptoe into the adult word, she’s been searching out happiness via a good hubby…but its only recently-as in the past two days, that I’ve been able to talk to her about our ‘programming’ so openly…She dove into the deep end of the matrimonial longing pool while I went to the desert and played alone barefoot in the sand (may not make sense to you, but it does to me-so just go with it, ok?) Obviously, I did end up at the alter-in a sense, but it was in no way due to the pressure or expectation placed upon me-and lets be real-and I’m sure Daniel would agree-it isn’t as if I danced my way into marriage-I was very mistrusting of the whole idea of love & commitment talk….I don’t subscribe to the white picket fence and the hand full of babies…or even the effing minivan and family dog-its just not for me…and I’ve watched several people fling themselves into that sort of world, only to end up in divorce court and switching  spouses like their haircolor-blah!

The whole thing makes me feel sick in the pit of my soul,  like witnessing a really bad car accident before the clean up crew gets there….and then I go away thinking about how the bloody shoe was so far away from the actual crash and wondering a million morbid things about that  shoe and the poor dead foot that was wearing it days-even weeks afterwards…This is exactly what the whole  situation with my sister does to me. I want her to be happy-to find someone that accepts and adores her-but its not something I’ve ever gone looking for myself…and that’s not down to a lack of self-worth on my part- maybe its the fact that I’ve always rebelled that saved me from bridal showers and searching out the happily ever after bit-maybe it comes down to being a loner and extremely self-reliant?? Either way, it makes me feel sad that I can’t really help her-but as I told her, she’d pull out of this-she’s pulled out of  bad situations before…I sometimes wish she could be more like me, but then again, I’m not sure being a distrusting, withdrawn loner is such a step up…I suppose we’ll never know since neither of us will be switching lifestyles any time soon. Nevertheless, I’ve thought about making her a mix cd to help her through her sadness-using songs that has helped me get through things…In the old days, it would have been full of Tori Amos-but somewhere soon after Boys for Pele, she went fluffy and for me, her music has steadily dripped into 70’s  Carpenters territory ever since….and she found marital bliss around the same time-a coincidence? Hmmm

Maybe I’m just a pessimist…

 Happy New Years-its a clean slate, so lets make this year matter, seriously….I’m working on something that kept me awake all night-so maybe I’ll put it up when its finished-and I haven’t forgotten that I owe U emails, either…I’ve just been busy playing doctor, badly.

Here’s three songs that will no doubt end up on the mix cd-not necessarily going to make my kid sister gleeful, but they have definitely helped me through some things-and if U actually listen to them, I’m sure you’ll see what I mean.

homemade video, but I like it.

I SO lust after Amanda’s boots in this video-and the lyrics are Oh so fitting.

Hugs and smirky smiles…

 Your Wild Child,

~ 13

P.S. Thank U so much for the positive comments-U have NO idea how much they inspire & motivate me…and that’s not lip service either.


One Reply to “Playing Doctor…Badly.”

  1. Again.. it’s a relief to see you are well and alive.. and actually writing this time. And it all seems surreal that we communicate through (comment) walls.. like some kind of underground coded messages.. but I’m not complaining. [Comrade, our next mission is on twitter at 0600]…

    You don’t owe me nor do I owe you any emails or replies… I won’t even give you a happy birthday (in case you forgot how old you’ll be getting calendar wise; reality wise you’ll always be 13). Take your time and take it easy..

    Btw: You never gave me any feedback [coded message]… so I’m staying sane for the time being (ie; not going postal on you anytime soon) … I can risk a Jeffy, but I won’t upgrade a Jacky to a Grant until I’m sure there aren’t any black holes of the ‘relative…ty’ kind.

    You like my positive comments? They inspire and motivate you? Wow, you should see my negative comments! If you ever need to be uninspired or demotivated, just give me a buzz… I doubt they’ll have any effect on you, though (ingenious hidden coded message of making you feel good about yourself… uh.. not so hidden anymore)

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