One Tough Cookie (in retrospect)

 

So, here we are, another new year-the first new year since meeting most of you.

Wow, I actually made it.

In May, after a few months of absolute horror, thanks to a doctor who doesn’t have a clue about anything other than sniffles and sneezes decided he would play around with new behavioural medicines and dismissed my diagnosed bipolar as being hypersensitive, I went through a rather rough patch-not the blues mind you-more like standing (literally) at the edge of a flood, watching the broken trees and random tires rush by and wondering what it would feel like if I jumped in. Luckily, I didn’t…Needless to say, I stopped eating the “feel good candy pills”and decided it was time to take writing seriously, and on a whim, thought that beginning a blog might help me do that somehow. Little did I know how much it would indeed help. And little did I know that I would meet so many people who actually “get” where I’m coming from. This blog has given me the opportunity to meet people from all walks of life that I may have never-No, definitely would have never met in the “real” world.. I’ve discovered all sorts of things about other people- and in doing so, came to understand myself a bit better-and I realize that I’m not the only over-thinker-over-worrier-hypersensitive and in general “person with countless hang-ups”. I’ve been commended far more than reprimandedfor my honesty and openness in sharing my own troubles and nothing’s more rewarding than when someone says “What you said made me think about what I feel” or “what I’m going through” or “have gone through” Face it, childhood is sometimes a ugly, ugly bitch, but as Dr Finch says in Running with Scissors “where would we be without our painful childhoods?” These days I shudder to think what I may have become if I would have had a better childhood or even a less fucked up adult life-Who knows, in a different life I may be collecting Tupperware instead of collecting butterflies-which would be quite sad, really. Still, that being said, Nile’s had a pretty awesome childhood, and he’s wildly creative and happens to be one-NO-the most grounded person I’ve ever known, which says good things about those who may have been lucky enough to have a happy childhood. Still, I’d not do it over again-even if it could be good this time around.

This year has been full of all sorts of ups and downs, though not quite so extreme once I stopped believing that my doctor may actually know best-and for the record, I have a new doctor now-though I still avoid doctors in general as much as I possibly can. And now, I’m finally out of the messy living situation I had been in for several years, and I actually live by my own rules completely, meaning if I want, I can bake cookies and listen to El Chompa at 6 in the morning. Life is much better-even Good. And while writing was put on the back burner for a few months as I settled in and hung pictures in my new place and rejoiced at the pleasure of having a brilliant broadband connection once again, I’m now focused. AND though life IS good-there’s always going to be room for improvement and I still have an endless pit of morbid and painful inspiration-so fear not, you fellow darkWednesday Addamses-I will always be your gloomy girl!  And really, as peaceful as my life is at the moment, it isn’t paradise yet! For one thing, its bloody cold in here!

How did I begin the new year? I slept. For 12 hours. Which in itsself says something. I was tired. I plan on watching Death Note later-the first movie and will probably watch the other two D.N. movies over the weekend. I’m still wildly stuck on Death Noteand if you aren’t familiar with it, you should give it a chance-I feel comfortable in that sort of place…as silly as that may sound. Before I found a comfort zone in places like older Britcoms such as Keeping Up Appearances-Now, It’s Death Note. Hmmm, analyze that– you Arm Chair Freuds!

So, I’ve made the Cd for you, and after all of the planning I did, I finally realized that the best CD I could DO for you would be a collection of the songs I played most throughout the past year. The songs that were on “repeat” while I was doing whatever I was doing.. So, there you have it: The THIRTY-SEVEN songs I chose were the most important ones for me in 2008-and the list speaks volumes and volumes about me and what my world was like last year (I love the sound of “last” rather than “this”!) It was strange, hearing these songs on one playlist-each song took me back to the place when that particular song was so important to me.The last song, We’re All-Nighters, is my current repeat favorite by the way.

So, 2009 is going to be more about Aspergers than Bipolar, and no longer wondering  why I sometimes say the things I shouldn’t say and why I sometimes don’t say the things I should say (though I still may lean on my old “Its not my fault”  when I’m in the hotseat with you.)

One of my dearest friends, who’s given me some wonderful advice and who once in a while manages to get a rise out of me in a not so favorable way, gave me a great analogy: When the oxygen mask drops, start with yourself first” (not his exact words, by the way), When he first used this analogy, I thought “Hey, wait a sec, what do U mean? I should save myself first?!” but then I realized he had a very good point.

I finish the day wondering if my mother cooked her traditional cabbage and black eyed peas New Years Day dinner, something she inherited from my grandmother. I remember watching my grandmother cooking that stinky dinner and asking her how she could eat such icky food (keep in mind I was 13 at the time-so most things that were good for me were icky to me) she told me it was for good luck and that I should eat at least a few bites for myself. I wondered but grandma, you’re always sick, you hardly have enough money to survive on, you can barely walk, and your children (she had 12, but raised other people’s children as well) are even sick and dying these days. Being an outspoken and somewhat thoughtless child, I said aloud: “But Grandma, this meal never brings YOU  any good luck.”  She didn’t say anything for a moment and I worried that I’d finally pushed her too far and that she was going to snitch on me to my mother, meaning I was going to get a really good chewing out. Afer a second of staring into space, my grandmother smiled and rubbed my shoulder and walked away saying, “Child, you really ought to stop questioning things and learn what’s good for you.”

Now, after finishing a fucking twisted year, and being the person I am finally becoming, I think I understand what she meant-and I’m rather glad I actually humored my mother last New Years and had a few bites of her icky peas and cabbage.

Thanks for taking the time to read my random entries and even getting the nerve to reply or even actually become friends with me-you must either have balls of steel, or a fucking brilliant sense of humor-maybe even both.

 

So, here’s to breathing and to finding peace and 2009 is going to be a pretty good year-it’s going to be because I’m not giving it any choice. I really hope you enjoy the Cd-If you know me well, then you know that music is one of the most important things in my world, and you probably know that I do everything BIG-so of course a little ‘holiday’ CD idea would end up becoming a 200 mg download, right? Turn it up and LISTEN, guys!    Lucia-2008

Love,

Lucia

(Alive and kicking and still ~13)

P.S. My apologies for becoming so lousy with emails over the last few months… would you believe me if I said “It’s not my fault”?

 

darklucia13@yahoo.com

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