Days like this-days that feel wasted- viciously rip at the dreadful over-acknowledgement of my own mortality. Much like empty, bitter arguments- These days are better ended quickly than suffered for very long.

Off to try shaking this somber mood-I’m irritating myself.

Melting ice cream in warm, soft rain…

~13

When I was a little girl, I used to stare out the window of the school bus watching the world pass by…I lived about an hour’s bus-ride away from school on a twisted one lane road, one lane being a generous description. This meant that when an oncoming car was approaching, the bus would slide off the side of the road into the line of overgrown bushes and trees and the limbs would claw viciously at the windows of the bus. Sometimes, when I saw this beginning to happen, I would stand up and stick my hand out the window so that I could claw equally as viciously at the attacking limbs…While other kids usually got in trouble for sticking their hands out the window, I did not… I had somehow managed to earn a soft spot in my bus driver’s heart, because whenever I looked up to see whether he was watching me, he always was, and when we had eye contact, he’d usually wink and smile. And this wasn’t a sordid Humbert Humbert affair because believe me, my Lolita phase (if you could ever call any of my phases Lolita-ish) was much later, so it wasn’t that sort of playing favorites…perhaps it was because I was the only second grader brave enough to stand up to the scary twice-failed fifth grader, who happened to grace me with my very first official black eye…Or perhaps he felt sorry for me because I had the sort of stepfather that climbed down into dank, abandoned  wells and then discovered he couldn’t get back out on his own, which in turn spun my mother into a panicked twister, who began flagging down traffic-begging someone to help rescue her dearly duncish  beloved while I stood staring down into the deep, dark hole, wondering if I could get away with sliding the lid back over the well and figuring out some sort of way to distract my mother from remembering that her idiot hubby was still stranded beneath the ground. After all, I had once sorta accidentally locked my dog (aka Mr Hillbilly Baloney, RIP) in a root-cellar when I was four and then forgot about him..until my grandma complained about a mysterious stench, and though I was sad initially, I eventually recovered, so the distraction idea seemed like a perfectly plausible way to rid myself of the idiot stone in my shoe….Regardless of why Mister Bus-driver let me get away with doing things like grabbing eye-threatening tree limbs or hanging the back of my hair out of the window so it could blow madly in the wind, the point is-I was allowed to…Thinking about it as I type, I’m now fairly certain the reason my bus-driver allowed me to do things other kids weren’t allowed to do was probably because he trusted that I knew when to let go of the limbs  or pull my hair back into the window…even if I only narrowly averted being scalped by an evil, intrusive maple tree, I still always escaped…and usually when I did one of those magnificent narrow escapes, I’d look ahead to see my bus-driver smiling at me through the mirror.

My limb-clenching stunts weren’t only on the bus either-I began doing this as I rode along in the back of my well-diving step-daddy’s pick-up truck too…I would hold my arm over the side of the truck as he sped along the bumpy back-roads, and just as the world became too much of a blur and I began to go dizzy, he would swerve wildly to the side to avoid a head on collision with a car and I would grab hold of a long leafy limb coming toward my face and give it a gentle tug..and just as he began to accelerate again, I would let the limb and its leaves slip through my fingers, leaving both the tree and myself unscathed…

My point, in my own long-winded way, is that regardless of how daring I was, (or am for that matter), I’m also brilliantly perceptive at knowing when to let go…let things like time and all of her constraints, slowly slip from my grasp…and that’s what I had to do this week when my idea of doing a daily or even almost daily blog post became too much for me to deal with…

So breath now…that’s right….deeeeeeeep breath… and now exhaaaaaale…I wasn’t giving a ‘you and this blogging must be put on hold again‘ speech within my brief Allegorical ‘Little Girl-Child #13‘ recollection…I was only saying that I usually have a great way of letting things like limbs…and  time go…but this week, I felt especially guilty for not blogging and angry that time had gotten the best of me once again…until I remembered the way the leaves felt between my fingers when we were taking off and at the very last minute how good it felt to let go of them…Are you following me? If so, good, but if not just smile and nod, the way I tend to do when I haven’t a clue what someone is saying to me, which happens far too often these days…

So I finally let go of the Time issue and took care of the things that needed to be done..for instance, I went trick or treating with my nieces-the entire flock of them…and then we went to McDonald’s where my family decided  to crash after the stingy-assed candy-givers neglected to shower my troop of tired, angelic nieces with little more than a few measly pieces of candy and that’s where we all sit around… suddenly seeming very grown-up as we talked about how much candy we used to score and how we’re surprised that in this economy  anyone could afford to hand out anything…which reminded me of how pissed I used to be when we were given apples or dreaded popcorn balls from strangers-what a waste of energy it was for little fat kids like me and my brother to waddle up the steps to some stranger’s house trying our damnedest to look sweet in our freaking cheap-ass 5 dollar costumes (Once I was Wonder Woman-hands up if that actually surprises you) or a green faced vampire with a ripped plastic bag cape  and my bro would be a short-round batman or sometimes a husky Hulk) only to be given something as nasty as a popcorn ball wrapped badly in sticky plastic…Talk about feeling totally ripped off! But those days weren’t nearly as bad a the tiny terrors of today have it-begging their parents to spend ridiculous amounts on costumes only to walk until their poor little feet ache for what amounts to barely a handful of something as rotten as hard Tootsie Roll or a stale Bit O’Honey (ick!) If I were a kid  today, and got such lame goods for all of my walking and sweating and the trick or treats and Thank-you’s in my most possibly adorable voice, I’d cause much more than a teeny tiny foot-stomping uproar! Neighborhood cars would be overturned, porches set on fire- and snippy little dogs & blue haired grannies would be hung and tortured pinata style…Oh yes, there would indeed be blood! But luckily for the world, I am NOT a child -at least not on the exterior, so the world managed to live another day…another week even,despite the fact that the whole trick or treating tradition seems to be dying so rapidly and few adults seem to care…

And there was another focus group this week too…I was a concerned office manager discussing the pros and cons of health insurance…and I met a senile 60-something gentleman that claimed to have suffered three massive heart attacks, two open heart surgeries and is currently living in the freezing cold back room of one of his ten children’s homes.Within the span of 90 minutes, he informed the entire group that Big Brother is much bigger than anyone seems to realize and that insurance companies are in cahoots with pharmaceutical companies, which in turn are in cahoots with the government and all are slowing killing us off, and we’re so blind to it that we continue to allow them to kill us..and my entertaining 90 minutes earned me a lovely $50.00…. not bad for an hour and a half…. and yes, I am all too aware that there are other professions which may earn far more in a fraction of the time…but then again, I ‘d much rather pretend to be someone else while sitting comfortably in my pj’s in the safety of my chunky, outdated monstrous monitor’s shadow, than dealing with that sort of crummy job-after all, focus groups rarely expect you to be that over-amused or excited, do they?

So here ya go-another fantastical rambling…an attempt to discuss Time and how though it pisses me off, I’m usually civil enough to keep the peace… Oh, but I SO hate it when people tell me that Time has been good to me…Not only do I cringe at the idea of anything that sounds remotely like a compliment (thank U, oh glorious BDD!), but because I care more about others’ feelings than my own, I have to force an appreciative smile…and nod at such a kind gesture-when inside I’m thinking of what an abusive fuck Time can really be to me sometimes…but I’ll save that for another day…for now, let’s wrap things up with pleasant images of our wild hair recklessly blowing in the wind as we ride the world hard through a gorgeous blur of green and brown-somehow managing to always keep up or catch up with Time & her thugs…And surely we ALL can occasionally find the courage to claw and to grab when the opportunity arises…just remember to let go again-before it seriously damages you.

Sleepily avoiding dreams & tugging at time again,

~13

Poor trick or treat-ers eagerly approaching a stranger’s home in search of candy…A sad, fruitless search indeed.

Terah aka The Adolescent Zombie, Teja aka Frankie Stein (Monster High), Sophia aka the Undead Bride, Bella aka Smurfette (Who wanted to be a ‘Vampire Smurf’, but unfortunately her Mommie said ‘NO!’), and Nile-a spectator & non-Trick or Treat-er who seems to have removed his head for this photo!

A Beautiful photo of the Undead Bride

LaLa, Angela & Nile, accompanied by a non-Vampire Smurfette & The Undead Bride.

I have another audio for you, but this is something a little different. I would love to know what you think about this sort of thing. If you like it, perhaps we can do it often. Thanks for making me feel welcome again.

Something NEW

Love,Love,Love…

~13

As you can see, things look a bit different….U likey???

Sweetness,

~13

Here’s the audio post I mentioned. Enjoy….and let me know you’re here.

Good Morning Sunshine

LaLa Love U,

~13

P.S. Note to self: Must not try to say words like integrating when I’m sorta sleepy

This will be suitable company 4U until I’m finished.

~13

I’m working on something…an AUDIO something- in between working on a kazillion other things today,  so be patient 4me.

~13

Um…have you missed me???

Here, look at the this (and yeah, I KNOW its on the photo page too-but I like it-A LOT) and staring at a snazzy tarot of a pissed off me in the hallway of my once upon a time apartment/home is good for Ur soul-better than  chicken soup…says I.

mwaaaah!

~13

This will never end because I want more…

Simply Exquisite… and probably the best remix ever. (Listening to this is one of my favorite ways to wake up.)

~L13

Thinking, pouting, creating, (though not so much of the resting, unfortunately)…Trying hard to hide from the overall breakdown, the ugly shadows & dark moods February and March tend to bring.

I think the thing that will clearly save me-besides completely changing my lifestyle and dumping most of the bad things that pretended to give me pleasure, but was actually making me feel dreadful me feel dreadful (red meat + preservatives + excessive sugar= bad, bad BAD!!!), is the creative process, which is functioning fairly well right now…The gears might need a little more lubing, but at least they’re turning and that’s a good thing… A very, very good thing.

Soon I hope to be out of my cocoon and into the sunlight, showing U some of what I’ve been scribbling down madly, along with photos and oh, yeah-My blog will be moving to a new address, because the Slave To It project (also in its own cocoon), has its very own work space/play area (finally), so there should be much more to entertain U soon…

Truly,

~Lucia13

P.S. This song always makes me smile. And Yes, its worth clicking the link and watching on YouTube.