Hello U.
I’ve not been online for since Friday morning. I’ll probably update tomorrow…I just wanted to say Thank U for the wonderful things you’ve said over the past few days. I’m listening to Give, which is one of Tori Amos’ best songs EVER. I especially love the line: “There are some, some who give blood, I give love…”
Ok, still feeling quiet tonight, so it’s YOUR turn now.
Until tomorrow, whenever tomorow happens…
Love
~13
This began last night..this unexpected feeling, crept in like a thick fog…an ugly brew of sadness and regret…a touch of resentment and some very deep, twisted ache to top it all off. Funny, how you don’t see these things coming, not until its too late and they’ve got you by the shoulders and squeeze, squeeze, squeeze they do, until your shell is battered and your spine abandons you, so U have to sit it out with your eyes closed too tightly, ride it out like a really bad trip and find a small corner of sanctuary in the corner of an old friendly solitide, familar regardless of how long its been since you last met.
This…is this all about someone that hasn’t existed in my world since I was small? Could I REALLY be sad because I can’t remember my father’s voice? His scent is lost to me too…though I remember watching him sleep once when I was visiting-long after he’d stopped being my father and became a bearded stranger in the funny fedora living in the ‘big, big city’…While I watched him, searching his face for some recollection of the man that was my personal Santa when I was three, something much older inside of me had the foresight to capture the scent of him then…some crummy-smelling cologne that appeared as foreign to me as he himself had become and all I could think while I watched him sleep was ” You are not my father, you are no longer my Daddy. You don’t smell like Daddy and you don’t even look like him very much anymore”(except those eyes he handed down to me, so that I’m forced to see him each time I’m brave enough to look into a cursed mirror) And for some lengthy period of time I watched him sleeping, this stranger with his strong scent and sorrowful face, and I could think of nothing but the quiet room and the sounds of a city I would eventually fall asleep in myself so many years after.
So, last night brought not only a broken PC monitor, that very quietly died without so much as a sigh, but also this heavy ache for him…Why? Why now? He’s gone-long gone, and even if he were here, how would I feel? Would I look at him as that God-like Santa, larger than life in his khaki coat and long beard, or would he only be the stranger I watched over, searching for something familiar, something relative, as he slept?
I wonder about finding his grave, screaming at him, pounding the earth with my fists and then falling asleep upon him, maybe as some fix for the nightmares that make me afraid to give up and fall asleep every single day-causing my days to become 48 hour days and even then going to sleep with a knotted stomach…I wonder what his last thoughts were, when he last thought of me. He told me once, the only time I saw him after the afternoon I’d watched him sleep, that I had been the ideal child…never needed scolding, never did a single ‘bad thing’…which I think makes it even harder to comprehend why he slipped out of my life so easily…was I too ideal to be looked after? If I would have misbehaved a bit more, would he have stayed in my world?
NO, put your pencil down Dr. Freud, I’m done rambling, now.
~13
This isn’t a REAL post-just an extended Tweet. But most of you aren’t on Twitter, so I’ve come over here- to give U more than the bloody 140 character limit will allow… Back on my crazy schedule-as if I ever really left it…Listening to Pixies, which I NEVER grow tired of:
‘No more of this girl cryin’
I’m here, your big man
You’re mine
Is she weird, is she white
Is she promised to the night
And her head has no room’
Sunday was lazy and non-productive. But I’m entitled to a lazy day once in a while, right?
Frank, it’s Fantastic to hear from YOU again-where’d U run off to? It’s been nearly half a year! I Hope you’re doing great-U should email me sometime. And YES, Rorschach. I love Rorschach, though that really doesn’t make sense considering…
OK, off to play with this and thats…and yes, even more music samples…
Hope everyone has a Happy Monday-whatever the Hell that really is. At least it’s a holiday, right?
‘black tear falling on my lazy queen’…
~13
We SO needed to change the theme, and the furry hood photo is gone too. Blue is the color of the moment in the Underground, so blue it shall be- until we get decent photos and find new ways of making the free blog themes really jump out at ‘cha…so better not hold your breath, Darlings for another change anytime soon.
Wasn’t intentionally ignoring anyone on Messenger earlier, just forgot it was still open while I wasn’t around. Phone/cable guy came yesterday-he looked exactly like Flea (as in Chili Peppers’ Flea) if Flea were a cable guy, that is… He was extremely friendly and everything looked and sounded great. Then he went away and 20 minutes later, everything stopped working, so we played phone tag with a rep that was absloutely clueless ( I had to remind her that I should perhaps ‘turn on the power’ at one point when she was doing a failed fix-it walkthrough) and now we have to wait until Wednesday to get a replacement. WEDNESDAY-8 effing A.M.! I really think I’m a jinx.period.
Anyway, we still have the shiny new phone service-though I’ve had the ringer off the whole time, mainly because I forgot to turn it on…Ok, off to tinker with words and sounds, and the sounds aspect can be dangerous for those of us who still enjoy groups like Nitzer Ebb sometimes-don’t tease, cuz U KNOW U like it too!
OR, maybe I’m just trying to fool myself into believing I’m not the only one who listens to Nitzer Ebb sometimes….Wait a sec-listen to this-it’s really good! It’s actually from the Muscle and Hate tribute cd-but U get the idea…(“You don’t need me, I’ll slip away. You can’t hear me, I’m not the same…Control, I’m here!”)
Your Funky Blue Girl
~13
BTW, Thanks to safetycopy (“lower case letters, please!”) for the new header!
Spent far too many hours sleeping in a right-sided fetal postion-my favorite position…sleep position ya’ pervs!
Sleep was great for the most part-especially after 35+ hours of manic playtime. I was so out of my head before I gave up and finally went to bed, saying things like ‘going to the ocean’, rather than ‘going to the shower’, and everything seemed incredibly giggle-worthy to me….U would have probably enjoyed it. Maybe next time I’ll write a post when I’m so deliriously sleep-deprived and you can figure out what I’m really trying to say?
And I had this dream: I was in China, in a Jeep with Daniel and his family, and we were looking for Bigfoot, and his mother, who was no longer a sweet, wonderfully calm lady from Cornwall, was reeeeaaallly yelling at me, with help from my sister-in-law, in really angry sounding Chinese. They were apparently blaming me for forcing D. to search for Bigfoot and they weren’t at all happy to be along for the ride…The trees were covered in grass rather than leaves and there were invisible animals ripping handfuls of the grass from the limbs and eating it loudly, and all the while I’m thinking “Wow, I SO wish I could have some of that grass too!”. Bigfoot finally jumped at us through the trees, looking MUCH different than the American BF…He moved & sounded like Bruce Lee on a crazy protein buzz and actually began morphing into Bruce after a few minutes of chasing the jeep, which I kept trying to stop by using my foot as a brake-Flintstones style, so I could get a better look at Bigfoot Lee.
What provoked this one? I did catch a few minutes of Bruce Lee on tv a few nights ago…and Brandon Lee saying “Nothing is Trival” comes to mind far too often to feel trival, especially when I’m fighting sleep, or when I’m deep conditioning my hair (Don’t ask me WHY…It’s not MY fault ™).
…and I’ve not had green veggies for a very long time…and Bigfoot is seriously splashing around in my familial gene pool-(I would bet ya’ money on that one, look I can get ya the pictures people-U wouldn’t believe the reunions I dare not attend!).
Today…this evening, is about fun stuff-like bad drum machines, loops, Jack the Ripper, and B&W ‘cult’ movies (the word cult gets thrown around too easily…like most words, or…infamous pregnant pauses).
And maybe I should consider a real dinner…with green veggies or something tonight. Or perhaps I should email Mum-in-law…after that dream, I’d not want to be told off by her anytime soon.
I’ll probably update later…maybe add a touch of blue to the page…Now, go have fun guys, it’s Saturday!!!
~Miss Dreaming 13
EDIT. Jack’s Been Dreaming Again…The title finally made up its mind..
Here I am…and I’m fine, honest. Just waiting on a few links at the moment.
Today felt like Purgatory…But there was open sky and gorgeous green. Tonight’s a bit better so far…lots of quiet, and I’m putting off ‘to-dos’. I actually ordered a ‘home phone’-sometime between 12-5 Friday afternoon…Icky normal junk, but a necessary evil…I even have the new number nearly memorized-which is thrilling and a bit liberating-no more asking other people to do everything for me…. It appears that someone took Grady and the other stray cats away…Perhaps it’s for the best, really. I don’t like caring about things, and I wanted him to have a real home with real owners that can look after him properly…so I’m fooling myself into believing he does now, or will soon. Still, I miss him terribly already. It’s best not to get attached, isn’t it? You’d think I’d have learned that lesson three decades ago. Somber blahs-sorry…My lifeforce has been depleted…aiming for a heavy recharge.
Writing a short story at the moment-The Dreaming of Jack…or Jack’s dreaming again…or When Jack dreams, undecided on the exact title for now. Free candy (candy=Mix CD) to the first person who correctly guesses who Jack is. And U only get one guess, ya’ cheeky devils!!
Here’s your music for tonight…It came to me hard, like a smack in the face today while hanging ’round in Purgatory. These lyrics should have been mine, damnit. If U know me, you’ll agree.
Maudlin… Brit-style,
~13
When I drop everything I’m in the middle of doing to sing the praises of a song, you know it must be something really, really good…Just had the chance to hear “Devour” by Marilyn Manson. This is one of the best songs I’ve heard in a very long time-the lyrics are so beautiful (to me, at least) I found this a few hours ago, which isn’t such great quality, but at least U get the idea…
I’ll swallow up all of you
Like a big bottle of big, big pills
You’re the one that I should never take
But I can’t sleep until I devour you
I can’t sleep until I devour you
You’re a flower that’s withering
I can’t feel your thorns in my head
This is no impressionability
You’re not crying, this is blood all over me
You’re not crying, this is blood all over me
You’re not crying, this is blood all over me
And I’ll love you, if you let me
And I’ll love you, if you won’t make me starve
I used to hold your heart to neck
I know I’ll miss you if I close my eyes
But this is loaded with an open film
I’ll see you and I’ll blow your heart to pieces
I will blow your heart to pieces
I will blow your heart to pieces
I will blow your heart to pieces
And I’ll love you, if you let me
And I’ll love you, if you won’t make me starve
My pain’s not ashamed to repeat itself
Pain’s not ashamed to repeat itself
Pain’s not ashamed to repeat itself
Pain’s not ashamed to repeat itself
I can’t sleep until I devour you
I can’t sleep until I devour you
I can’t sleep until I devour you
I can’t sleep until I devour you
I can’t sleep until I devour you
And I’ll love you, if you let me
And I’ll love you, if you won’t make me starve
Back to doing too many things at once, (while daydreaming like crazy! )…I’ll eventually do a proper post-honest.
~13
Just another quickie until I find something to renenergize myself with, since sleep didn’t come at all last night…I’ve been thinking about the ‘top twenty’ question, and if you don’t know about it, I’ll ’splain later in a proper post, (If there IS such a thing as proper here in the Underground)
I can not get THIS song out of my head
Most likely one of my top twenty because it never loses it’s charm with me-EVER…
Those lyrics, lyrics, lyrics…wow!
Happy Sunday (Is there really such a thing as a Happy Sunday?)!
~13
I don’t usually envy other people-it’s a waste of time, right? But the people who not only do a fantastic job of bringing someone else’s work to life, but also manage to create the perfect sound for the piece, that’s a different story…I can’t create music/sounds for my work. Sure, I can kick ass in an improv rubberband jazz duo, and I’ve been told I can do a bad-ass impression of Slash-air guitar style, but other than that, I’m musically useless right now…Not that I’ve honestly tried really, but things like Magix Music Maker drive me nuts thanks to my short-very short attention span, so…. it’s not my fault ™.
Ok, have a listen to this piece and if YOU can tell me who wrote this piece or if you’d like to guess who the performer (that does an awesome job bringing it to life) is and you get at least one of the answers correct, I’ll give you a prize…ok, prize meaning a link to a mix-CD I’ve made just for the occasion. (Mix Cds=yay!)
Also, just to waste a few more minutes of a perfectly good Saturday for U, here’s something that someone showed me (thanks to the recent pill talk)-which probably won’t make U smile nearly as much as it made me smile-especially if you aren’t a gaming sort of a person…By the way, I’m always perfectly happy to accept nice gifts like Left 4 Dead (XBox 360)
So, that’s our Saturday Afternoon Quickie… yummy, huh?
I’ll give U the answer to the “Know What Cats Know” in the next ‘real’ entry.
Have a nice Saturday…Have FUN-even if that means eating ice cream and artificial cheese-flavored junk food in your undies! (just make sure you’re wearing clean undies, please-seriously, ya’ dirty birdies!)
Hugs & Tugs!
~13
By the way…
Answers: It was Stride gum-Spearmint. I’ve been chewing lots of it since the WDs started…(Maybe I can work out a promo deal, I’ll chew their gum everytime I feel icky or do audio entries, and they can send me truckloads of their gum?) And I haven’t done tags lately because I’ve been too lazy-but it’s sorta cool that U wanted to know. I’ll probably go back later and add tags to the untagged entries, would that make U feel better?
