I didn’t forget

Hello U,

I know I’m loooong past due for an update…Good news-I finally heard from my doctor yesterday-and the titer test for lyme was negative-which came as no surprise, since he told me it probably would be now anyway. The rest of my blood work-up came out “perfectly normal” too (except for the usual underactive thyroid-which means more Levothyroxine which means more energy!!!) [and don't U DARE be an "I told U that U were gonna be fine" with me,ok? I can't help that I over-worry, it's not my fault™] For now, I’m still taking my antibiotics like a good girl, and I’m SO looking forward to the day when my blog won’t revolve around silly health-related stuff….Oh, one last health-related thing: the new ‘behavioral’ meds I’ve been prescribed are the ever popular Effexor-which I’ve heard good things about, but doubt I’ll bother with and Lamictal-which ‘may cause a fatal rash’….Ummm,so I’ll NOT be taking that! Who needs a mood stabilizer anyway, right? I’m really hoping the Manic Happy Fairy delivers a lovely warm mood-bundle of wildly creative energy soon-the kind of wonderful mood that stops sleepiness in its tracks so I can sit at my computer typing away madly for days and record some spoken work that’s long overdue and finally reply to the emails and update my profile on sites like Interpals once and for all!

As you may have noticed, I’ve changed the theme and added a new photo. As a matter of fact, I’ve created a Photo page, where I will occasionally add  pictures-which means once in a blue moon because you KNOW how I feel about photos, right? Go have a look if you want-I’ve uploaded some very recent  odds n’ ends photos- the oldest one being about three weeks old.  ALSO: I’ve added a guestbook (which is OH SO cheeeesy!), So have a look and Go Wild: say lots of sickeningly sweet things that’s sure to make me  smile!….OR U could just say whatever U want, k?

I’ve been working  on a few things, but mostly I’ve been playing Domestic Momma around the house-I guess you could call it early Spring Cleaning, and I’m really hoping to wrap up the chores on my lengthy to-do list  by tomorrow afternoon, so I can finally catch up on play-time with U. As always, Thank U for the emails, links and music-Big, Big, BIG hugs!!

Optimistically yours-

~13

“Lymey 13″?

Does anyone know how agonizing it is to wait for the results of a test? I kept my word and didn’t chicken out-I had the Lyme test yesterday…And because I’ve just finished a pretty lengthy course of antibiotics that have actually made the symptoms I usually feel much better-it can also cause an inaccurate test result-meaning more than likely, the antibiotics have wreaked havoc upon the Lyme antibodies to the point that they may not even show up on the test…Either way, the doctor seems to think that the fact that my usual MS-ish symptoms grew worse and then improved by at least 30% while taking the anitibiotics (sometimes referred to as a “healing crisis”) means that we are most likely fighting Lyme-regardless of the test results-so he gave me another two weeks of Cefdinir and mentioned the scary term “Lyme disease specialist”-I suppose all depending on the results, which I haven’t received yet. The idea of my blood sitting far away from me and my body somewhere in a lab, is one of those things that really gets to me…Humans fuck up far too often, and that makes me nervous-very, very nervous.

I’ll keep U updated and perhaps fill U in on the latest round of  “mood stabilizing” candy I’ve been prescribed-this one includes an extra sweet one-with the risk of a “Fatal Rash”! Joy!

And yes, I’ll put the promised (Did I actually promise U?) photos up as well.

Nitey-Nite,

~13

Thawing!

I’ve had a few days of delicious warm weather and the wind is angry and raging at the window, so I’ll take a break from my own storm and update…

I’m coming back ’round, honest. I know, my head has been all over the place, and I’ve taken things MUCH too seriously-blame it on the season. The point is, I’m FINALLY throwing the misery, the pity and those delicate personal matters™  into a big pot-and I’m sticking it on the back burner to simmer for a while. Then, perhaps I can get back to the real reason I came here in the first place-creating things and sharing them with U-and the occasional sorta sick, kinda funny story of the situations I slip into-and of course, those tiny whispers from the fucking underground!

The noble thing to say would be that I’ll not let my personal baggage get in the way of more interesting work-minded things here, but I would probably be lying-something I tend to do without realizing I’m doing it sometimes-Wow, where would Lucia honestly be without out her little white lies?

So, over the past few days, I’ve been weeding through some of the things I’d been working on until the ‘great freeze’ happened, and the wheels are turning, guys…slowly, but still, they ARE turning…I’ll keep U updated. By the way, I have a few new photos I’ll put up soon.

Productively yours-again, finally,

~13

 

… the misery is there inside her, like a stone, and there’s no room for any other thoughts. She isn’t trying to make an appeal to our sympathies—she’s just shifting this big weight inside her from one place to another. –Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer

Someday, god knows when, I will stop this absurd, self-pitying, idle, futile despair. I will begin to think again, and to act according to the way I think. –Sylvia Plath, journal, November 3, 1952

You sit here for days saying, ‘this is a strange business’. You’re the strange business! You have the energy of the sun in you, but you keep knotting it up at the base of your spine. –Rumi

Okay, here we go…

I’m not sure where to begin, and maybe it isn’t time to go too deep into things. So for now, I’ll fill U in on the tiny cracks of my world instead. I’m still not “ok”, and I have to get a Lyme disease test on either the 11th or the 18th. I’ve put it off for years-NOT because I am so afraid of having Lyme, but because if I don’t have it, then it’s time to face MS and I really don’t want to do that. But Chin Up and Soldier On Girlie-right?

I haven’t written in the past week-instead I’ve being fighting a useless fight-kicking a dead horse…waging war on regret or something to that effect. Oh, and I’ve been told that I may have social anxiety disorder, which makes it so very hard to let things-people-go-even when they want to go. This, apparently has something to do with the lightning quick exit my father took out of my life when I was 4. Anyay, I’m not ok right now, so I hope you’ll forgive me for not replying-but I can’t tell U how much your emails mean to me-really, they make me smile, even now (see photo below for the proof) As soon as I can, I’ll make it up to you and perhaps return a little joy. If I write something, U’ll be the first to know. I still need to put words to J’s beautiful music and I wanted to share a review I did-my VERY FIRST music review-which was quite easy-because the musician is oh so talented-maybe I’ll put it up tomorrow. For now, I’m going to indulge in a little self-pity and hope my silly ears stop aching and ringing so I can actually listen to music-which is always my Linus security blanket and I’m really in need of some security right now.

By the way, does anyone know what happened to Eric? I haven’t heard from him since September (?) and he hasn’t updated Porchdroid since the beginning of December. Maybe U should all go have a look (and a listen to the latest song he left for everyone in his post) and tell him I miss him,ok?

Boy, I really need to get into something creative, don’t I?

Right, first pity-then perhaps something worthwhile…

This is me right now. See? I told U that I could still smile.

 

That’s it for now, I think.

~13