This may surprise you,

but sometimes I think I can be pretty awesome…in my own way. U wouldn’t believe how many things I’ve scratched off my to do list today. Now, Mongolian beef for dinner and then back to writing, which includes the blog post I owe you from last week about Carlos which I worked on quite a bit before the killer headache took over and stopped me completely for a few days.  It may be a doozie of an entry-maybe a two-parter? Unless you actually enjoy really long ones…entries, that is...geez, guys.

Don’t ask me when I slept last-the answer  isn’t pretty.

Love, Beautiful Madness, & all that jazz,

~13

“Help, I’m Alive”

Two of you told me I would like this… You were right, so thanks for knowing me well enough to know that I would eventually warm to this song. It’s perfect for right now.

Off to write some more, I think.

Sardonic smiles,

~13

Until I finish whatever it is I’m doing…

Working on things and fighting a crazy headache that won’t go away- regardless of how many pills I swallow, but I’ll do a proper entry soon…like tonight or tomorrow. (I didn’t mean to “Lull You” SO long)

This song is still awesome …even now.

~13

Lulling you

Glad you like my ‘frequent updating’. This will be very short unfortunately, because I’m really sleepy. Perhaps this is more like an extended tweet than a blog post. Off to have a late dinner and then some reading in bed, I think. I’m halfway through The Bonesetter’s Daughter. Amy Tan always makes me feel homesick for China-though I’ve never been there…not in this lifetime at least. She’s a great writer, so if you haven’t done so, check her work out-and I suggest you start with The Kitchen God’s Wife .  Saving Fish From Drowning is good as well, though it made me a bit weary of Burma. Apparently she’s a firm believer in Automatic writing, something I find fascinating …and that reminds me of my beliefs and my own  story and the questions you’ve asked about Carlos and his role in If You Have Ghosts...BUT I’m afraid it’ll have to wait until tomorrow…

Sweet Dreams &Tight Hugs,

~13

What IS he thinking??

I’m really trying to work my way back into blogging again, so I’m making the effort to update frequently, even though the updates aren’t very detailed or  interesting…Let’s just call this Practice, ok?

Today was another day that I didn’t do emails, nor did I do very much as far as productivity goes…Well, that isn’t entirely true…my head is totally busy with a particular character from one of my main stories at the moment. Originally, I wasn’t planning on giving him so much focus. Sure, from what’s already been written, you come to know him, which of course means you grow to love him-though maybe  I’m biased because  I love him so much, but originally you were meant to know him mainly through his interaction with the main character. However, over the past few weeks, he’s demanded  more attention-needing a bit of his own story to be told, so that’s where I am at the moment…  sitting quietly and observing…taking  notes and waiting for him to speak. The most interesting thing about this is that though I feel I already knew him fairly well (well enough to love him), I’m discovering new  aspects of his personality now and it isn’t always so easy, because though he’s demanding to be known, he isn’t exactly spilling his story so willingly, which means I have to work for it just a little…luckily, I don’t mind working for it sometimes…

So, I’ve spent the past few days gently poking and prodding this character… getting inside of him, to see what’s really making him tick; Wondering about the way he would watch the main character as she spoke to him, how willingly he would smile when he was pleased with her and how willingly he would express his frustration when he wasn’t so pleased. ..I’ve even discovered  the way he would slightly tilt his head as she spoke to let her know he was listening to her attentively…its actually a lot of fun at the moment, though something in me is yearning  to give him a subtle push, so we can move on with the story…

Other than getting inside Carlos’ head, I’ve done very little and probably nothing exciting enough to blog about…my injection was a doozy today-it was an arm injection and the arm injections really, really suck. And though I can usually deal with the injections, the arm injections sometimes hurt enough to not just make me a bit pissed, but enough to actually hurt my feelings. And though I try really hard to psyche myself up for the pain, I also try to think positive thoughts, because there have been times when the arm injections have been surprisingly easy and not so painful. But I still always manage to be taken by surprise at just how much they hurt most of the time. …And I have to go out tomorrow which I really don’t feel like doing-and I’ll explain why in a blog entry I’m working on  about how I nearly was ravaged by two canine beasts last week, which actually bothered me enough to phone the police which were as useless as ever (Protect and Serve? RIIIIIGHT), but I’ll save it for now…and yes I DID say ravaged and No, of course I’m not exaggerating-have you ever known of ME to exaggerate….EVER????

So, there…I’m posting again…and before you know it, we may be back into the swing of blogging, and  you may feel the need to tell me what a vital part of your day/evening my rambling entries are for you…and you may feel inspired to donate to the LET’S GIVE LUCI HER OWN, SHINY NEW(or shiny used laptop-she isn’t spoiled anymore, ya know!) LAPTOP SO SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO SIT IN A VERY UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIR AS SHE TYPES HER HEART OUT FOR YOU foundation.

By the way, this is DEFINITELY the song for the day…or week, or even month. BRILLIANT lyrics!!!

OK, I’m sleepy and it’s time for a really warm shower and then a stint between my oh so lovely sheets where I pray I shall have good dreams for a change: sweet, wicked, boring-I don’t care as long as they aren’t miserable nightmares again. Another bad dream and Morpheus gets a taste of my rage!!!

Hugs & Sticky Sweet Stuff,

~13

Time To Pretend?

Ever have one of those days when  nothing you plan to do actually happens? Like a dream where you’re running in place? That was my sort of day today- no writing, no emails, nothing…just wondered through my day in a freezing fog-maybe because it IS freezing  right now….I think it’s time for a nice warm shower, then getting  comfy between my beloved soft, scarlet sheets…Here’s one of the songs I love to fall asleep to….and I love the video too-don’t ask me why…figure it out for yourself, guys.

OK, off to end this useless day. Wish me sweet dreams, please. Nitey-Nite!

Luv & Sweetness,

~13

Hey You!

Just a quick update-I’m working on two different posts…One of them being a belated birthday post-which, by the way, Thank You for the Happy Birthday love and  you’re right- it’s never too late for a belated “Happy Birthday”.

Good news-I have new wireless, so no more borrowing internet from my oh so generous neighbor!

Ok, off to rewrite some bits on Burn-the characters are changing quite a bit these days and its hard to keep up…maybe I should post another excerpt soon?

It’s impossible to do anything ‘productive’ at the moment-my head’s full of noise, and I’m genuinely bored. BORED!!!! Ugh-save me, please….

Hugs & Sweetness,

~13

The surest cure for vanity is loneliness.
-Thomas Wolfe

Playing Doctor…Badly.

I don’t sit well in the doctor’s chair…I do much better on the couch (But U already knew this, didn’t U?) However, my sister’s suffering through another heartbreak, and I’ve been called upon for a long distant shoulder and some  sisterly advice…However, I don’t think I’m the right sort of person to give advice about matters of the heart & all that jazz…(but U probably already knew this too, didn’t U?) Growing up, both she and I were programmed from birth to find a husband…or two, or three or however many it took until we got it right…We  were never encouraged to be ‘happy women’, we were simply told to find a good husband, as if the happily ever after part depended on this simple little task.

I of course, didn’t fall for it-as a matter of fact, I think its safe to say that I did the complete opposite-the atrocious idea of white weddings still makes me feel slightly ill and I avoid weddings as much as I avoid funerals. But my sister did fall for the plan, and since her first tiptoe into the adult word, she’s been searching out happiness via a good hubby…but its only recently-as in the past two days, that I’ve been able to talk to her about our ‘programming’ so openly…She dove into the deep end of the matrimonial longing pool while I went to the desert and played alone barefoot in the sand (may not make sense to you, but it does to me-so just go with it, ok?) Obviously, I did end up at the alter-in a sense, but it was in no way due to the pressure or expectation placed upon me-and lets be real-and I’m sure Daniel would agree-it isn’t as if I danced my way into marriage-I was very mistrusting of the whole idea of love & commitment talk….I don’t subscribe to the white picket fence and the hand full of babies…or even the effing minivan and family dog-its just not for me…and I’ve watched several people fling themselves into that sort of world, only to end up in divorce court and switching  spouses like their haircolor-blah!

The whole thing makes me feel sick in the pit of my soul,  like witnessing a really bad car accident before the clean up crew gets there….and then I go away thinking about how the bloody shoe was so far away from the actual crash and wondering a million morbid things about that  shoe and the poor dead foot that was wearing it days-even weeks afterwards…This is exactly what the whole  situation with my sister does to me. I want her to be happy-to find someone that accepts and adores her-but its not something I’ve ever gone looking for myself…and that’s not down to a lack of self-worth on my part- maybe its the fact that I’ve always rebelled that saved me from bridal showers and searching out the happily ever after bit-maybe it comes down to being a loner and extremely self-reliant?? Either way, it makes me feel sad that I can’t really help her-but as I told her, she’d pull out of this-she’s pulled out of  bad situations before…I sometimes wish she could be more like me, but then again, I’m not sure being a distrusting, withdrawn loner is such a step up…I suppose we’ll never know since neither of us will be switching lifestyles any time soon. Nevertheless, I’ve thought about making her a mix cd to help her through her sadness-using songs that has helped me get through things…In the old days, it would have been full of Tori Amos-but somewhere soon after Boys for Pele, she went fluffy and for me, her music has steadily dripped into 70’s  Carpenters territory ever since….and she found marital bliss around the same time-a coincidence? Hmmm

Maybe I’m just a pessimist…

 Happy New Years-its a clean slate, so lets make this year matter, seriously….I’m working on something that kept me awake all night-so maybe I’ll put it up when its finished-and I haven’t forgotten that I owe U emails, either…I’ve just been busy playing doctor, badly.

Here’s three songs that will no doubt end up on the mix cd-not necessarily going to make my kid sister gleeful, but they have definitely helped me through some things-and if U actually listen to them, I’m sure you’ll see what I mean.

homemade video, but I like it.

I SO lust after Amanda’s boots in this video-and the lyrics are Oh so fitting.

Hugs and smirky smiles…

 Your Wild Child,

~ 13

P.S. Thank U so much for the positive comments-U have NO idea how much they inspire & motivate me…and that’s not lip service either.

The Unexpected (Audio Post)

Hello U,

Here’s an update on what’s been going on in my world.

Big, Big Hugs & Lots of Love,

~13

what to do, what to do?

Maybe I’m not ready to part ways with Mr WordPress just yet. Maybe I’m enjoying this two-timing business…After all, Tumblr DOES look reeeaaallly great now, but I feel sentimental about the Underground too …More than anything, I really want to feel better so I can actually add something worth reading or listening to @ both places. Neurologist isn’t back until Monday, my hand is useless still, and I feel trapped in a really rotten Purgatory right now. (I haven’t emailed anyone-which I’m sure you’ve already realized if you’ve emailed me in the past week or so). Maybe I should do audio emails??

This really, really sucks…I’m TRYING to feel better, I really am. How ’bout sending me some get better soon vibes or something, K?

Tell me something good,

~13